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Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
"Send me a Postcard!" Banner
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https://d1y502jg6fpugt.cloudfront.net/53987/archive/files/b807e011d1ba3dc9bf7af29bfca3c35c.pdf?Expires=1711584000&Signature=puhiO9nFtnue7lGBUU2D0PX-XKHndIPlmlsaBkqTlMRnZzsyzF6n7WKmpthBtWRW-I%7Ep6ASZ24J-5GkXm1vMH2wceirFNlDWrEyNy8MeTMosS3bMs5XF6ObrH-04vAQi%7Er3DFrIlPz4sLv%7EGvelo53U%7E0imL57fm82BgDG5YFOMFjNJDgLiPyfB1tt-nX5nDTb0jLTkE8p%7EcKdnQfYz27KSn7i4Wq3gOHZeXxD9reUiJ3QahcHiXVz9nLzzFNFNMIPS20h7qeOy5ZEFbOCj6w5xV9IvVR3mjL0UDn7lnQ7gJ-t0N4G5H%7Eo9svH7Hrve6J5ouBm-vSYDYdhN4Fs3%7Ebg__&Key-Pair-Id=K6UGZS9ZTDSZM
954b2db1f4caae17b48263ec322fd187
PDF Text
Text
FASHION'S CAR
�I
/'
l
Gift
•
To
'
J'
�\ On Your Trip t6 California
l
�Do You
Turkey
or
Globe-Trot)
lllak
ask?
�The Way To TraveL
50ME people tr~vel in t~eir autos-,.
Some travel m the railway cars;;
But I've a better way to travel,
Unbroken by your bolts and jars-·
A better way than horse or cycle,
Than biplane, steamer or canoe;
The quite ideal way to travel
To Patterson or Timbuctoo.
My way is swift as any eagle,
Or tarries for a steady look- The way of greatest ease and comfort::
To wit, I travel with a book.
,.,·
'{,,;,..
4/
_If_';
·'
, l.;
I dread nc storms, I mock at danger,
I reach the farthest, know the near;:
I pierce the desert and the jungle,
Without the tremor of a fear.
I find the wisest of companions,
I get the sagest of advice,
And all my traveling is buttressed
With comforts of the highest price.
What is the best of travel volumes,
For highway, byway, hidden nook?
The book with which I choose to journey?·
Of course it is the pocketbook!
-Amos
I make
OCEAN
you
VOYAGER: Don't the passengers
tired with the questions they
as~:PTAIN : Yes, indeed;
you Want to know ?
\
R. Wells.
-Detroit
what else is it
Free Press.
No, Elizabeth, a won1an's
sarily a concealed v\'eapon.
tongue
1
.,
isn't
neces-
�(B
T
T
T
0
L
E
Sunset Limited
California Train de Luxe
An Active Imagination
O
UR plans to travel far and wide
.
Will sometimes come to naught;
Yet, sitting by the fireside,
Around the globe we still may glide
Upon a train of thought.
TARDYARRIVAL.(at the concert): Have
What are they playing
now?
ONE OF THE ELECT: The Ninth Symphony.
TARDY ARRIVAL: Goodness, am I as
late as that?-Harper's
Bazar.
I missed much?
The
Home
Smiles
attractive and
otherwise
)
�I
the Wonderful
California
,_
-\~
IJ\\TTTll)I)
~
~~
~~J~:!'~~
/
~===o
J-
JI
)J
•lr~\.-aa--
(By Edwin Markham. Hearst's International Library Co.)
.eons Nature did -her
THROUGH
most,
With glacier-plows and such devices,
To start upon our Western coast
The pearl of earthly paradises.
i·
,.
I
1
And Nature's efforts, all aver,
Have made the scenes of California
The loveliest that ever were
Reflected through the human cornea.
Oh, State where royal poppies glow,
Of all our galaxy the primate,
Let Markham praise the things you
grow·
And hymn your Unexampled Climate!Exalt your lovely names as well,Los Angeles, San Bernardino,
Yosemite, San Gabriel
And Monterey and Mendocino,
1
"FIGURES
CANNOT
LIE"
"fATHER,
what is a glutton?"
"A glutton is a grown man who can eat almost as
much as a small boy."
And tell of how the Spaniards came
And squelched your copper-hued
civilians,
And how the Gringo did the same
And dispossessed the proud Castilians !
Let Markham smg your golden day,
Your mammoth trees and living
waters!
'Let me but laud your artless way
Of making Native Sons and Daughters!
For anyone
Bostonian,
Who treads
Becomes,
of fame or worth,
Briton, Greek or Bornean,
but once your sacred earth
by that, a Californian!
Yet even this won't keep me back
a
San Francisco ;-there's
From
show there,
soon I'll have to pack
pretty
And
An extra shirt or two and go there.
Arthur Guiterman.
After the Walk .
diese Menchen in der Grossstadt !
.. Schrecklich,
!
Heut' ist mir schon weider einer nachgelaufen
lch habe ihn natiirlich mit keinf'm Blick angesehen.
• . . Er war ein schlanker Mann mit englischem
und grossen, blauen, schwarmerischen
Schnurrbart
Augen."
.. "The men in this age are certainly
To-day a young chap kept
terrible!
following me. Of course I didn't take
the slightest notice of him. He was a
tall man, and looked like an Englishgreat, blue, sentimental
man, with
Blaf:.tter (Munich).
gende
eyes. ''-Flie
�\;'
The Way It Came About
THE
managers of Everybody's Railroad had a meeting to decide
about the proper lighting system for
their passenger cars.
"\i\lhat we want," said the first manager, "is a light which will permit our
conductors and brakemen to grope
their way through the cars without
mJury. As for the passengers, they
have too much done for them already.
They are a spoiled lot."
"I don't quite agree with you," said
the second manager. " In my opinion,
our passenger cars ought to be well
lighted. Passengers ought to be able
to read their papers at night without
ruining their eyes."
The president of the road, who had
the deciding vote, now spoke.
" In my opinion," said he, "there
should be a happy compromise between
your divergent views. I suggest that
our cars be lighted well enough to keep
the passengers from grumbling, but
not so well lighted that they can
read continuously
without mJunng
their eyes."
That is how it was (and is) done.
A TR.!\JN
ROBBER
Expecling Too Much
Clande had been promised a motor ride
with his father, and his mother had sent
him upstairs to get ready. As he came
down his mother asked :
" Have you washed your face, Claude?''
"Yes'm," answered the boy.
" And
your
hands? " queried
the
mother.
" Yep," said Claude.
"And. your neck? "persisted the mother.
" Oh, see here, mother," said the boy,
in disgust, " I ain't no angel! "
-Ladfrs'
11ome J 01trnal.
.
- ..,....;.,
~~ \)/:
i
.,,----,-
~--------~~~
~<'?-,...-:;;
G<,.,
--
" SAFETY
FIRST
:1
•
"
�Hello!
Wake up!
~
"-\I/;/_
~
/
•
1 Be
a modernI
Sharpening Himself
The Bostonian's Bull
A Boston man was on his way Vvest
on important business.
In the opposite
section of the Pullman sat a sweet-faced,
tired-appearing
woman with four small
children.
Being fond of children, and
feeling sorry for the mother, the Bostonian soon made friends with the kiddies.
Early the next morning he heard their
eager questions and the patient " Yes,
dear," of the mother, as she tried to
dress them; and, looking out, he saw a
small, white foot protruding beyond the
opposite curtain.
Reaching across the
aisle, he took hold of the large toe and
began to recite:
"This little pig went to market; this
little pig stayed at home; this little pig
had roast beef; this little pig had none;
this little pig cried, 'Wee! wee ! ' all the
way home."
The foot was suddenly withdrawn, and
a cold, quiet voice-that
of the mother_:_
said, " That is quite sufficient, thank
you."-H arper' s Magazine.
When the train stopped at the little
Southern
station the tourist from the
North sauntered out and gazed curiously
at a lean animal with scraggy bristles,
which was rubbing itself against a scrub
oak.
" \Vhat d·o you call that? " he asked
curiously of a native.
" Razorback hawg, suh."
" What is he doing rubbing hi'mself
against that tree? "
"He's
stropping
hisself,
suh, just
stropping hisself ."
-Ladies'
Home Journal.
We All Do It
" They contemplate a trip to the Frisco
exposition."
" That's cheap enough."
" What?
Why, the fare--"
" I was speaking of the contemplation."-P h·iladelphia Piiblic Ledger.
" VVHEN water becomes ice," asked the
teacher, "what is the great change that
takes place? "
"The
greatest
change, ma'am," said
the little boy, " is the change in price."
-Ladies'
Home Juiwnal.
�WINTER
SPORTS
IN
NEW
YORK
�-.....
.....
_,_
REAL
WINTER
WEATHER.
71Yn HEN the squeak gets into the snow, you know,
~ Where the people pass in the street,
.
And you sit inside by the hearth-fire's glow
And bask in the pleasant heatJust give me a book; and the world can go,
When the squeak, you know, gets into the
snow .
. When the squeak gets into the snow, you
know:
And folks hold on to their ears,
And the mercury's down to two below,
And you think of the plumbing with fearsA book, and I '11try to forget what I owe,
When the squeak, you know, gets into the
snow.
When the squeak gets into the snow, you
know,
-~
''' • --=
And windows are white with frost,
And the polar breezes shrieking blow,
And the bare, brown limbs are tossed:
A book, and the world's an empty show,
When the squeak, you know, gets into the snow.
(
I
When the squeak gets into the snow, you know,
And you )1ateto get out of your chair;
And the sunlight 's clear and bright although
It fails to warm up the airPlease hand me a book from my favorite row,
When the squeak, you know, gets into the snow.
-
Walter G. Doty.
Young Hostess
WHICH
WILL
Guest:
(anxious to be rid of lingering guest):
YOU HAVE,
TEA NOW.
TEA OR COCOA?
COCOA-LATER.
PoR'r IN A STORM.
IN a northern seaport town there is a wealthy but illiterate man who owns
many vessels and follows their courses over the seas by aid ot a large atlas and
a ten-horse-power magnifying glass.
"I've just had a letter," he said to a neighbor, "from one of my captains,
ancl he tells me he's been in a fearful storm.
I '11 read you from his letter
what puzzles me. He says:
ANY
"' The waves rose like mountains.
We were driven before the wind to the
danger of our lives and put into great jeopardy.'
"What I want to know," said the shipowner," is, ·where is Great Jeopardy?
It's somewhere in the Mediterranean, but I can't find it on this map anywhere."
-llf.
A. P.
.
--------
�TIME
WHY
NOT
UTILIZE
THAT
IS MONEY
WHICH
WE
WASTE
WHILE
TRAVELING?
"} SEE that skirts are to be worn \
shorter than usual."
" But, my dear, all the skirts I have
seen recently are already shorter than \
usual."
;
A Bad Sign ✓
I
HE was going to purchase a trunk,
small and cheap,
So she made, from the street car, a wild,
flying leap
(Although she had just paid her fare);
For she saw, "Trunks, Two Dollars !" a
big window sign.
But below, in wee letters, there lurked
one more line'Twas, '' Less Than the Prices Elsewhere!"
-Anna Mathew1on.
S
Close at Hand
A woman from the South visiting New
York for the first time was much agitated
when, ~fter being conveyed through the
Hudson tube, she found herself in another, subway. Rushing up to a knowinglooking individual,
she asked, in an
agitated tone:
" Sir, do please tell me where is New
York?"
"Lady,"
said he, with the utmost
gravity, "it's right at the top of those
stairs."-H
arper' s 111agazine.
�ALL HOPE
GONE.
"I DID not dream of this!"
It was on the hotel piazza and, as
the young and beautiful girl spoke, she raised her eyes to
the man at her side with a gasp of surprise.
"No, Mr. Longreene," she went on, earnestly, "during the few
short days that we have been together, it never once occurred to
me that you were the sort of man who would ask my band in marriage. I feel now, in the light
of the manly and sincere
declaration you have just
made to me, that I was perhaps wrong in encouraging
all those attentions which I
attributed
more to your
n
naturally chivalrous nature
n
1
11
than I did to the strong
11 • .
r
current of genuine love.
I listened, as any foolish
ti
girl does,. to the senti=ments you expressed,
thinking that they were
-/
/
due to the freedom of
the sea-shore, and falsely
g1vrng them a much
lighter estimate than I
know now you meant
them for.
Forgive me,
IN THE MODE.
pray, if I have misunderstood
the depth and sincerity of your
MRS. FLAHERTY.--I\·erythi11g
is 111
character.
I feel, alas! that beblack and white this saison.
The paper
says Mrs. Astherbilt
wears a white pearl
side you I am indeed unworthy;
in wan ear au' a black wan in the ither.
but, believe me, as I have said,
MRS. FLANNAGAN.-Thin
Oi 'm jist in
that I did not dream of this."
style, wid wan black eye an' wau white
Her companion rose sudwan.
denly, and, turning half away,
buried his face impetuously in his hands.
"Then there is no hope
for me?" he said hoarsely.
"None!"
replied the beautiful young crec1.ture at his side, swiftly
moving toward him and throwing her arms arouncl his neck.
"None
whatever, darling!
'\Ve will be married at 8: 30 in the morning, and
take the first train for Niagara Falls."
1
j
---
; New
itated
;h the
n an·
,wing·
n an
, New
itinost
those
A National Calamity
Progressive
" \Vhere's
my umbrella? " demanded
the wife of a member of Parliament.
"I'm afraid I'Yc forgotten it, my dear,"
meekly answered her ht1sband. " 1t must
be in the train."
" In the :rain? " snorted
the lady.
"And to think that the affairs of the
nation
are intrusted
to a man who
doesn't know enough to take care of a
woman's urnbrella!"-New
York Call.
POSTMASTER: No, not much doin' in
taown.
Did ye hear erbout Lem Huggins gittin' a telegram?
FARMER: Not Lem?
PosTMASTER: Yes, Lem.
FARMER: By cricky !•.,It beats all ther
way the young fellers are forgin' ter the
front.
-Chicago
News.
...,--
--
_...,._
J'
____________________
..___.... __
/
\_/
·· 1/
�1
Safety Assured
T:'-
-
A
LITTLE girl, traveling in a sleeping-car with her
parents, greatly objected to being put in an upper
berth. She was settled there at last and the passengers
were quiet for the night, when a small voice piped:
"Mama!"
"Yes, dear."
"You there?"
"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep."
"Papa, you there?"
"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl."
This continued -at intervals for some time, until a
fellow passenger lost patience and called:
"We're all here! Your father, and mother, and brothers, and sisters, and uncles, and aunts, and first cousins!
All here! Now go to sleep!"
There was a brief pause after. this explosion. Then
the tiny voice piped up again, but very softly.
"Mama!" it said.
"Well?"
"Was that God?"
V
�THE
1
GATEWAY,
TO THEI
WEST
I,
I
I
f Welcome Home!
I .VidB~t
y ty
I -~
.
Two Years Is a
Lot of Time
~adors,
HE:
Yes, you know it's costing me
five hundred a year just to live, because
of these war prices.
SHE:
I shouldn't pay it; it isn't worth
it.-C asset's Saturday J 011,rnal •
,Y:t-1ends.hip
•
l
Goel puts us all upon this earth,
That we mrght serve His ends,
And then, to give the world some worth,
He made some of us Friends.
-+-
_____
--.......------~-~~------------------ ,_ __
-
...-~-
�~
Their Engagement
S
HE entered the room hastily.
He was awaiting her.
" I was afraid you would be thinking
I had forgotten,"
she said.
"No,"
he responded
calmly, in the
rnne of one who is master of himself.
"An engagement
is an engagement
with
'n1e."
She was a beautiful girl. A wealth of
chestnut
hair rippled
below the wide
brim of her bonnet.
Her close-fitting
tailored gown yielded to every movement
of her supple form.
He was a bit above the average height,
a clean-cut, square-chinned
chap, whose
every expression. bespoke self-reliance.
He put his fingers beneath her dimpled
chin and tilted her bonny head ,,.back.
then gazed at her earnestly.
Her limpid
eyes looked up at him trustingly.
The
rose-pink of her cheeks came and went
fitfully.
The white of her throat throbbed
with each breath.
He bent nearer
to
her still with that fixed gaze. Her lips
'
were parted.
He raised his head and she looked out
of the window silently.
There was a pause.
At last she spoke.
"\i\That are you studying about?
vVhat
have you decided? ''
"I think I'll haYe to fill two of your
teeth," he said quietly.
"The rest are
all right.
You have taken better care
of them than most women do."
As he looked at he.r his glance was
deferential,
yet not timid.
"It has been a long while since we
sa~ eacl~ other,"
he remarked.
I
) ) • •1
" Yes, nearly
a year,
s 1e replied.
" But do vou remember when I left that
time you· said I would have to come
back?''
" Yes.
You should have come sooner
than this.';
" But I have been so busy-going
and
r1 • nners,
the theatre , and
con 1 ing, d anc·es, \-!'•
all.''
"I
know.
A 11d you wer e 111arriecl,
too? "
His voice did not tremble as he asked
this, yet across her face there flashed a
quick tinge of humiliation.
"I-I
would rather not speak of that,:'
she observed,
almost co ldl y. " That 1s
all over.
vVe-we--.
It. was to be
expected.
The truth is, we were not
meant for each other.
So I-I
got a
divorce.''
" It was better so, no d oubt,'' he re. "Won'tyous1t • clown. ? "
spon cle d gen tly •
. .
nd
She took the chair he md1cated, a
as he looked clown at her she flashed
him a sudden smile.
.
''
"I was afraid of you the last tune,
she said merrily.
" But-you
arc not afra1 "cl now. ? "
His yoice seemed to give her assurancc.
She smiled agam.
"No, indeed."
l
ON THE JERSEY
Brakeman:
Aimt Eliza:
CENTRAL
"
ELIZABETH!
YES.
o
�·heer
Hang Your Coat When Traveling-When
traveling recently in a day coach, I suffered
the discomfort of having my coat folded on the
seat beside me, others had theirs wrinkled up
in the rack overhead, while one woman in front
of me hung her coat on a picture hook which she
attached to the rack overhead. Tnis struck me
as a good idea, as such a hook is easily carried
and adjusted, and one's coat is kept unwrinkled.
M. L.B., N. Y.
Something to
Look Forward To
/
Up
A New Pleasure
-for You
Keeping
UpWithLizzieIn
"LET'S go to church."
✓'
"It's raining too hard."
"Well, let's go to the movies; it's
only four blocks further."
~-----------------------------____.;_----.......l~~~.:::.:~
the
Summer
Time
�Passing Along a
Laugh or Two
A CERTAIN minister was greatly disturbed by a number of women in his
congregation who persistently gossiped in
One Sunday
a loud tone during service.
morning he executed a plan which 11c
At
had devised to stop this annoyance.
a given signal the choir stopped abruptly
on a certain word in the middle of a
Then one of the gossips, unable
hymn.
to check herself, was heard all over the
"I always fry mine in
church to say:
the
"As we know," announced
lard."
minister, "that she always fries hers in
lard, we will proceed with the singing.''
-Argonaut.
\
\J
\)
\
I
I
"
\
-
-==a
FULFILLED
A NEw JERSEY teacher who had bee1r
greatly annoyed by revelry in the hotel
where she had spent part of her last vacathis time, in
tion, took the precaution
\\ riting to another hotel which had been
to her, to inquire whether
I Lcommcnded
it had a bar. She received the following
"No, we haven't any bar, and if
reply:
1hat is the sort of woman you are we
don't want you. The place for you is at
Yardley's, farther up the road."
" A woman
shall
PROPHECY
compass
a man "
Jer. 31: 22
HOTEL WAITER: Come, sir, you really
Why,
must go off to bed, sir. (Yawns.)
sir.
the dawn's a-breaking,
LATE REVELLER: Let it break-and
put it down in the bill, waiter.-Punch.
-Argona1.1t.
A
RIGHTEOUS
COMPLAINT.
! " carped a colored malefactor, through the bars of the village
Bastile. "Dey 'rested me c1nd drug me to de jestice's house in de
dead o' night, and dat gen'ler-nan riz right up out o' bed in his
•
shirt, and hilt cou't, den and dar, and gimme sixty days in jail, 1
Aw, yas ! - cou'se I was guilty;
all widout puttin' his pan ts on.
dey done kotch me right .in de act. Dat ain't what I'm 'plainin' 'bout: it's
Law's law, sah, and I does think it o~tuh
de scan'Ious way de jestice acted.
be 'ministered wid mo' dignity!"
''IDASSAH
J
�,'
=-
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:::-:
~-
·~
u~
Henrietta-Isn't
.,:---
it shocking
- ~---
...
#'~.,,.,
~-.--~
Epi Gurus-Yes.
Sounds
as if he was going down for the third
HEARD ABOVE THE ROAR OF THE TRAIN
~·
"-.::.
<i
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:<
the way that man eats his soup!
,
=• .,,
g___
,.., I
time,
-
I
�"IN
THE
SPRING
A YOUNG
MAN'S
FANCY"
Billinger'
s Den
" CONDUCTOR,
can you tell me how that
brakeman lost his finger? " asked the inquisitive woman.
" He seems to be a
very nice fe~'.e>w. It 1s a pity he should
be cripp_led.' 1
" That's jt_-,st it, mum. He is a good
fell ow. He is so obliging that he wore
his finger off pointing out the - scenery
News.
along the Iine."-Chicago
" When Billinger bought his new house,
it was with the express understanding
that he should have a room all of his
own-a
den or study."
"Yes, I know what you mean.
Did
he get it?"
"Yes; and his wife furnished it."
"How?"
"With
a sewing machine, a cutting
t;:;.ble, two dressers, dummies, three sewing chairs and a full-length mirror."
-Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
�..........
NE'IGHBORLY
HINT .
., '~J::>eopleas keep 'ens," observed the lady at No. 1 7 ,11,~_$:~fja
Terrace,
"snoula keep 'em at 'orne. One o' these odd days, when ·you}'.Jowls come
sci-'app1ri'i-n our garden, you 'II be missin' some."
. ·, .. ) :;b\ :<· .
, The lady of No. 19 sniffed the air in defiance.
"If you.i»i~~;·to(feed:s~mr
cat' prop'ly~ • p'raps it wouldn't: go 'untin' round for bulbs/'·• ~I~~ _observe_d.
"Then you wouldn't lay fhe ··bla'me on 'ens what belongs to your '.neighbors."
A week later the lady of No. rf again addressed her next-door neighbor: •
"Thanks for your 'int about treatin' our cat better,'' she said.
"Pleased you•found it pay/,' .returned No. 19.
' •
.
''We· should never a-found: out what a wonderful cat it was i( it 'ad n't
been for you," smiled No. 1 7. "Since you spoke about it I made it up a couple
of straw beds in the tool-'ouse and sprinkled a little barley about, and blest if
that cat ain't laid· two n-ice eggs every mornin' since."-.··
And next day there was a· wire fence round th~,hen-house at No. 1 q that
an elephant couldn't break through.-Exchange.
•
" n's
A LONG
wAy
TO TIPPERARY
"
Observing?
THE MAN : Did you notice that woman
we just passed?
THE vVOMAN: The
one with
blonde
puffs and a fur hat and a military cape,
who was dreadfully
made up, and had·
awfully soiled gloves on?
THE MAN : Yes, that one.
THE WOMAN: No, I didn't
Leader.
Why ?-Cleveland
'
,.,,,,-·
notice her.
Attacking School System
SMALL Bov:
Father, what is an eqmnox ?FoND PARENT: vVhat in the world do
you go to school for?
Don't you study
mythology?
An equinox is a mythical
animal, half hors<;, half ox. The name
is derived
from the Latin "equine"
horse, and " ox ". Dear me, they teach
you absolutely
nothing
that is useful
nowadays !-London
Evening Standard.
I
�~
WonderfulWoman
·with hat tipped over, no eye free,
'Tis very plain she cannot see.
VVith hair combed over the ears, 'tis clear
That she, of course, can p.ardly hear.
\i\Tith gown so tight it causes talk,
'Tis plain that she can scarcely walk.
And ye't she dodges autos, teams,
And gets along quite well, it seems.
Man never could survive, poor chap,
Beneath one-half that handicap.
C 01,wier-J01,wnal.
-Lowisv·ille
is Cholly?"
He
in the mountains.
"-Somewhere
writes of beautiful flora and fauna."
In love with two girls at once?"
"Eh?
C O'lltrier-Journal.
-Louisville
"·WHERE
WOULD GET AWAY FROM IT.
he really aske,d you to marry him?
Edith-And
just as though I could live in a tiny flat
Ethel-Yes;
•
and do my own work.
Then Things Happened
Though she w.as old she wasn't by any
herself;
means incapable of supporting
and at the fresh, youthful age of seventynine she went into the business of procyclists, and
viding teas for perspiring
storing the cycles of those travellers who
decided that they had better return by
train. Her first customers were four young
men who left their cycles in her charge
while they explored the neighborhood.
For each cycle she gave them a ticket
n:t with a number upon it.
Late at night the tourists returned.
The old woman led them to their
cycles with a smile of self-satisfaction
on her face.
know which is which," she
"You'll
told them, "because I've fastened duplicate tickets on them."
They gratefully thanked her; and when
they found their cycles they discovered
that the tickets were neatly pinned into
each back tire !-T1t-Bds.
-
&ii
-0~
--===-:;:
A
SEPTEMBER
MORN
IN Jl::RSE y.
�.ear
r.
./.
"Be good and you'll be lonesome"
The Inconsiderate Mice
A Frivolous View.
"Be good," says the proverb,
"and happy you'll be";
But fun, on the other hand,
satisfies me.
A more kind-hearted
and ingenuous
soul never lived i:han Aunt Betsey, but
she was a poor housekeeper.
On one
occasion a neighbor who had run in for
a " back-door " call was horrified to see
a mouse run across Aunt Betsey's kitchen
floor.
·" vVhy on earth don't you set a trap,
Betsey? " she asked.
"Well,"
replied Aunt Betsey, "I did
have a trap set. But land, it was such a
fuss! Those mice kept getting into it! "
-Youth's
...-"';Z
--
fr
Cornpanion.
--~#,.
<{
~
_
Both Proper and Improper
..................,,..
...
�"As M an to Man"
"WELL,
Mary," said the man of the
house to the cook, "what is your
opinion of my wife? You must have
had considerable experience with other
men's wives. Is she any worse or
better?
I have a curiosity to know
whether I am any better or worse off
than the average man."
" I've seen 'em worse," replied Mary,
"and I've seen 'em better."
'' Why are you going to leave, then?
It's something I'd sometimes like to do,
I confess, but can't? " •
" Sure, I'm going to leave because I
need a change. I'm of a rovin' nature.
I'm used to going about. It's in me
blood. I despise all the women I work
for. None of 'em knows how to treat
help."
" Then you think, on the whole, that
if I had to do it over again, I might
be rvorse off? "
"It's not for the likes of me to make
ye discontented with your lot. Sure,
man, make the best of it. Take a
holiday once in awhile and ye can
stand it better. This is a sorry world
at best."
" But she spends all my money,
Mary-never
keeps her word-has
no
character nor sense of justice."
" Be ye an angel of God yourself? "
" I suppose not. Bu_t, Mary, let me
ask you an honest question, as man to
man. If I was the boss, would you
stay any longer? "
"Sure, I'd 'a' been gone already."
AT WORSHIP
A TRAVELING
"{ S he progressive? "
" About like a pendulum."
•AncestraH Pride Crushed
HE: My ancestor
::v[ayflower.
came
over
BAG.
"THERE
are some ungodly young men over in that cor_l
ner having fun with the girls," said the preache
solemnly, as he paused in the middle of his sermon an
pointed accusingly in the direction of the graceless youths.
"When they get done," he continued ponderously, "perhaps they will give me a chance."
And he could not understand why the congregation
smiled.
.
in rhe
It's lucky they did. , tlle 1mm1gra•
..
. SHE:
t1on laws are a little stricter now.
1
�WI!<..
QUANAH PARKER, chief of the Comanche Indians, who died some weeks
ago, enjoyed the reputation of being the wittiest man of his race. He was likewise a man of affairs and something of a lobbyist. He had appeared before
the Committee on Indian Affairs regularly for years, and the members of that
committee had become intimately acquainted with him.
Two or three years ago Uncle Sam issued a mandate to the effect that the
Indians in the future should take unto themselves but one wife. Quanah,
appearing before the committee, told its members that many of the men of his
tribe had more than one wife. He was admonished to go home and tell them
that this condition of affairs could no longer exist, and that the surplus wives
must be sent home to their parents.
Last session Parker again appeared before the committee, and the following conversation took place between him and a committeeman:
"Did you tell your bucks that they must have but one wife, Parker?"
"Yes, me tell 'um," responded the Indian.
"Did they get rid of the extra wives?''
"Yes, all gone," answered the chief.
"But," urged the committeman, "I am told thctt you yourself have six wives."
"Yes, me got six," said Parker.
"Now, this will not do, Parker. You have to get rid of those extra wives.
You go home and tell them to leave. Send them back to their parents."
"You tell 'um," responded the Indian.-Lippi11cott's.
QLIVE, aged three, was asked how she felt. "Oh l ·
'
feel so dizzy," she answered.
Her mother asked how it felt to be dizzy and she
'
•
replied:
"It's when your head feels as if it was on crooked and
'
everything is lying down."
QRACIE, aged six, went to a party given in honor of
her friend's birthday. Immediately after arriving
she went to the hostess and said:
. "I ~a~ a awfully good time at the party. I was afraid
1£I d1dn t tell you now I would forget it."
A SMALL boy had been given a penny with a hole in' it.
cor·
. ihal
-tI1e preacher
ano
s sermon
youths.
ss
le
ice
•'per·
,rouslr,
>f IIIl
"~and~ng it to a still smaller companion, he said:
J1mm1e, I dare you to go into that store and buy
something with this penny."
Ji!Timiewas quite willing. Entering boldly, he said:
"I want a doughnut." And, taking it,· he hastily pre•
sented the penny.
"Here," said the clerk, "this penny has a hole in it."
"So has the doughnut," announced Jimmy trium'
phantly holding it up.
regation
g
coo
,---.--......~------~---------------
......
11111111111111---,,.--"
�His Domestic Economy
Somebody said to Jamie MacJames one
c~ay: " I trust you don't spend all your
w;::_ges." "That I don't," Jamie replied.
"I only spend two-thirds.
Two-thirds is
all."
"And the other third-you
bank
tliat, I suppose? " " No, I do better than
that with it.
I give it to the wife
to run the house."
-London
Evening Standard.
ONE OF 'EM.
Lady-"Are
you leaving us so soon, Norah!'.'
,,
mum.
I
never
stay
long
""
cook-"
Yes
m
one
place,
mum.
Ne ·=
' 're one of those Ck'
Lady-"
I see. You
oo s touns·t"s.
a
Didn,t See Him-"Did
you notice that _
fellow at the Orpheum right opposite us?"·
"That good-looking fellow: with the tan
suit and red necktie?
No. Why?"Wisconsin Sphinx.
Wouldn ,t Need It-Hotel
clerk-Room
with a bath, sir?
Rural visitor-No,
thanks, young feller; I'm goin' home before 8aturday.Stanford Chaparral.
_ Nothing To Cavil At
They ne'er had met
Before, and yet
She sat upon his knee!
You think her bold?
You must be told
-That he was fifty; she was three.
-Pennsylvania
Punch Bowl.
L
A Justified Kick-In:_
certain section
of Jersey there is'a village grocery store,
where, besides salt and prunes, everything may be purchased, from a collar
for a pet rhinoceros to a sprocket wheel
for a pianola.
Together with this, the
grocery store is the local post-office.
A few days ago a farmer entered the
store with something on his mind, and,
after taking· a fresh chew of tobacco to
fortify ··himself, he leisurely approached
the counter.
"Look here, David," be complainingly
remarked, addressing the, proprietor, "I
ain't kickin' none, but ain't ther some
way that ye kin kind o' sepperate yer
grocery bizness an' yer post-office bizness, so thet they won't mix quite so
much?''
"There
you go complainin'
ag'in,
Joshua!"
responded the grocery man.
"What's achin' you this time?"
"No hard feel in 's, David," rejoined
Uncle Josh; "but t'other day I got some
postage stamps here j es' arter Jake Smith
got two gallons o' ile, an' every derned
one o' them tasted o' kerosene. "-Philadelphia Telegraph.
�PASSENGER:
Do I have to change
cars in Chicago?
ExcEssrvELY PoLITE CONDUCTOR : Not
necessarily, madam. You ca~ go back
to New York if you want to.
3.JUes
one
all Y0,1r
' replied.
-thirdsis
iou bank
tter than
the wife
mdard,
=--
section
·ystore,
every1 collar
,t wheel
his,the
CE'.
:redthe
nd,and,
baccoto
iroached
ainingly
etor,"I
er some
rateyer
ficebiz·
quiteso
, ag'in,
,rywan,
rejoined
gotsome
keSmith
y derned
,_p}iila·
pea
TROUDLES OF A MOTORIST IN
I
.
CALIFORIH <\.
.
\The Unexpected\
-
'
�Time to Re--tire
1
l-
.,
t==
~"Good Nigf;it"
j
--------==--=--=~--)
" NOWHERE
TO GO BUT OUT
"
�[
,
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.
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A
I
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COMPENDIUM
HOW
OF
TIMELY
TO DISROBE IN
AN
INFORMATION
UPPER
BIRTH
�r
"::
..
Keep -·.·
Up-to-Date!
�•
Last Call!
THE
WAY
TO REDUCE
I.
WEIGHT\
Eat andGrowThin\
~
,P
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"There's
BE ESRY..
,
:;.
WHERE Araminta
OUGHT TO
LESSONS
SHE'S HAD DANCIN'
FOR A WHOLE YEAR
-~~
"
THE
SECRET OF HIS
BERTH
..
"JULIA,
"YES,
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY NEW
WHITE
SILK
WAISTCOAT?"
DEAR; I HAVE IT ON."
---·--
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JTis
THE
POET
WRITES
HIS
" ODE TO A
WATERFALL "
The Porter
interesting to note that one of
the principal witnesses before the
Industrial Commission def ending the
method of paying and treating Pullman car porters should have been -a
son of Abraham Lincoln,
The Pullman porter is an institution
existing by himself and peculiar to this.
cot1ntry. He appears to have b~en
manufactured in Africa long ago for
tbis sole purpose.
After cot1ntless
generations of adjustment to environment he seems to be the one creature
in the whole system of evolution who
has finally come to his own.
The requirements
of his job are
exactly fitted to his mental calibre.
His unique combination of ostentation and deference, united to his
good humor and his lack of the restlessness of most white men, have
all m•ade him the only fit accompaniment.
It will probably never b~
determined in the wise scheme of
nature whether the porter was made
for the Pullman car or the Pullman
car for the porter. Tbat they are both
made of mahogany WCJuld seem to
show that the impulse which created
them came from the same part of the
torrid zone.
"HAVE
you ever thought seriously of
marriage, sir ? "
"Indeed
I have; ever since the cere111ony."-Boston
Transcript.
Ouch!
Oh, theagony!-atoothache
takes all the humor out of Life.
A YOUNG
couple, speeding along the country highway, were stopped
by the justice o.f the peace.
"Ten and costs for reckless driving," announced the justice.
"Listen," said the young man, "judge, we were on our way to have you
marry us."
" Twenty and costs, then ! " cried the 1·ustice. " y '
ou re more reckless
than I thought you were."
�i
Kinemadventure
"COME,
sit by my side, and listen well,"
Said the old, old man to the little lad;
"There's many a tale that I can tell
Of thrilling adventures that I have had.
I mind how I paddled many a mile
Where the tide of the mighty Congo flows--"
"I know," ~aid the 'lad, with a beaming smile,
" I've seen that stream at the movie shows."
"I paddled long and I paddled far,
And far tramped I o'er the jungle sod,
Where wildest spots of Africa are
And white man's foot has but seldom trod.
I saw the buffalo plunge and snort
In the miry fords of t~e upper Nile--"
" Yes," cried the boy, "I know that sport;
. It's been in the movies quite a while."
"And once where the big Zambezi roars,
As all of its water, downward hurled,
Into a mighty chasm pours,
A fall so vast that it shakes the ,vorld,
I stood amazed as I watc~_ed the sight;
No greater moment I hope to know--"
"Yes," said the boy, " 'Twas just last night
I saw those falls at the movie show."
"BY
GUM!
MEBBE
THEY
" Ahem! " said the old, old man. " No doubt
It would seem impressive to you to learn
That I have followed the North Star out
To lands where the red auroras burn;
Where the world stands wan in the icy air,
I ha,·e stricken· the kingly white bear low--"
"Yes," said the lad, "it's great up there;
I've seen such hunts at the picture show."
"Now woe is me!" said the gaffer old,
"The world of adventure, with all its scenes,
To-day on a reel of film is rolled
And flashed to life on the movie screens.
My day is past, and it seems no place
Save Heaven remains, where they do not go--"
"I saw," cried the lad, with shining face,
"A Heaven film at the movie show."
Dean Coll-ins.
I'
BE, BUT--
"
-1
:)UfFRAGE ~
r
~
ON THE
SA~IE
FOOTING
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Just As Good
Two Jews, father and son, went for a
stroll one sweltering day. As they passed
a vender of ice-cream the boy turned to
his father and said, longingly :
"I vish you'd puy me some ice-cream,
fader; I do feel hot."
His father gazed at him for a few seconds in mild surprise.
Then he exclaimed:
" No, no, Ikey, my poy; but I tell you
vot I vill do ; I'll tell you some ghost
stories vot'll make your blood run cold ! "
�HJPS MAYCOME
THE
AFTER
SLIM
ALL, l
ONE:
LIKE
THE
YES,
IT
MODERN
IS
BEAUTIFUL.
FIGURE
BUT
BETTER.
Shopping
A lady ambles to a store
To buy a spool of thread.
At first she looks at hats galore
Then carving knives and b~ead. • ·,.,_
At\lD HIPS MAY G.O
From there she travels to the aisle
·where davenports
are kept,
A ncl then she lingers for a while
Around the ribbon dept.
She looks at frying-pans and lace,
Inspects the latest books.
She prices lotions for the face
And linen goods· and hooks.
And when she's canvassed all the joints,
And clerks are nearly dead,
~-he brings the matter to a point
And buys a spool of thread.
-L01-iisville Courier-]011-rnal.
BUT 1 G..0ON ·roREVER
�I
"It is, so easy- to dres~ ·_well--,
• •-~-ifo.ne orily knows how!"
1
THE GOWN YOU
WANTED AND COULD
NOT FIND!
,
�The Busy Man's Romance
HE
WAS a very busy man and she was a very pretty girl.
She insisted. upon having a love letter every day. She
got it.
"You write the loveliest_letters, dear!" sh,e
said.. "And when you are so very, very busy
all the time, I think it is splendid of you to
think of me !"
"I don't forget you," he replied. "My sec\
retary has instrucc.ions to write you a letter for
me to sign every morning.
H~ is a most effi~t
cient and capable young man."
~ J
"And you don't know how greatly I appreciate the flowers and candy you send me every week.''
"I'm glad you get them.
I told my secretary to make a
memo to send you some every Saturday."
"How systematic!
And it is so thoughtful of you to think of
the plays I like best and the books I prefer."
"It's a pleasu,re to know you are pleased.
My secretary
gets the tickets and picks out the books. He is a very capable fell ow."
Twp months later the very busy man said,
"Dodgast him! I don't mind so much his eloping with my
fiancee, but how in thunder can I break in another secretary?"
&"
•
- Wilbur
D. Nesbit.
A R_easonable Explanation
'vVe were packing our goods prepara
tory to moving to a distant town, writes
a· friend of The Companion.
My usual
helper being ill, I employed a new assistant, a woman of thirty or more. As
I ·Nas engaged in packing our books. shP
paused a moment beside me.
"Somehow,
I never cared much for
books," she remarked ; " but, then," she
continued, after a thoughtful
pause, "I
can't read, and that may have something
to do with it."-Youth'
s Companion.
ANYBODY'S
SINCE
THE
YARD
TANGO
CAME
�" PRAISE
1at10n
GOD, FROM
WHOM
AL L
BLESSINGS
FLOW "
•
s prepara
wn,write,
1Iyusual
a newas·
more.A,
books.
shr
muchfor
then."she
pause,"I
something
,11
pa11iOII,
A RING at the telephone drew the office-boy.
"Lady to talk to you, sir/
he said to tl1e senior partner.
The senior partner took up the receiver, and stood at the 'phone for
several minutes.
Then he laid the receiver down, ancl went back to his desk.
Twenty minutes later he raised the receiver, said a few worcls, and presently
hung up. Then he turned to his partner.
"It was .my wife," he explained.
"She was still talking and hadn't missed me."-Argo11aut.
�The Cult of the Guest-room
Before the g,1,test arrives, the perfect
hostess (who has taken a Correspondence
Co1trse 1·n Hosp-ital-ity) 1·nspects her guesl1·oom, and soliloquizes th1ts:
"I've remembered,
I've remembered
The new embroidered
spread,
The towels cross-stitched
in designs
Of navy blue and red.
ft always seems so much too small,
The 'guest towel' of to-dayPerhaps that's why the modern guest
'lv on't make a longer stay.
" 1\·e remembered,
I've remembered
• The nosegay, stiff and tight,
The reading-lamp
vvith cretonne shade
. That throws a ghastly light.
The ' Kind \Vorcls ' calendar I've hung,
And br the hand-glass set
Some Bargain Sale cologne
oh, dear!
The pl·ice mark's on it yet!
"T've remembered,
I\·e remembered
Pink ~ealing-wax to bring,
H.emoved a cache of spoons from 'tv~rixt
The mattr~ss and the spring.
'Sleep Sweet \'/ithin This Quiet Room'
I've had reframed;
I've bought
I'or bedside books, Jane E3•re, Lucille,
And Gems l'f Jlf odeni Thought.
It May Be Your Turn
Next!
"I\·e
remembered,
I've remembered
A lot of details small
That I am very sure no guest
"\Yould e,·er want at all.
:Gut 'twould be of shocking ignorance
Of Fashion Journals'
chat
To aim for Solid Comfort here,
And let it go at that.."
-Sarah
Red·ington, in
Harper's M aga::i'!l'e for April.
"TAKE
I
I
ME. WITH YOU IF YOU WANT
BE POPULAR "
TO
�ro
When you serve iced .
tea this summer,
• -
'I'
'I'
•
••
.
.
Just What She Wall ts
,..... .•:••'ill·•
-·--· -
ft\
�0
1rs
THE
RIGHT
OF WAY
�-----..
THE
jf
CHANGELINGS.
ROM State to State, with weary feet,
Went he in fruitless quest,
To find the place where bound'ries meet:_
Where there's no East nor West.
"Old man/' r cried," come stop and rest,
And I will spread a feast,
So you can tell me whence the West
Arid where you found the East."
He shook his head, and then confessed
His fruitless search had ceased.
"I find," quoth he, "that East is WestThe West is now the East.''.
"Oh, sir,'' said I, "you do but jest,
For such things cannot be.
The East is east .and West is west,
Each bounded by the sea."
"It 's all too true," quoth he, distress'd,
"I joke not in the least;
The tamest East is now out West,The wildest West is East! ''
Don. Cameron Shafer.
IJII'I
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JUST
//
A WORD AT PARTING
/'
--
-
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-...........-.:::::::: :.--
-·
/.,'
�The K. C. R. R.
THE
K. C. R. R. is the most remarkable railroad in existence.
\tVhen a train is stallecl, its conductors and brakemen volunteer information as to the reasion.
When an express is late, the ticketagent finds out how late, and whether
you'd better take a local.
When there has been an accident,
full particulars are posted in the waiting-rooms along the line and furnished
to the newspapers.
Its brakemen receive lessons in elocution, and announce stations as plainly
as print.
I ts conductors say " Thank you"
when they take your ticket.
Its cars are kept at seventy degrees
in winter, and are not frizzled in the
hot sun of the yard in summer.
Its ice is handled with clean gloves
and kept in a dean water-cooler.
Its porters pay as much attention to
a fussy old lady with four children to
look after as to a bank president with
a half-dollar tip in his pocket.
Its time-tables do not seek to see
how little paper they can use, but how
much information they can give.
Its gatemen are grateful to the public for the questions which enable them
to earn their salaries.
I ts entire force is selected as carefully with a view to their pleasing
people as a set of dry-goods clerks
would be.
This remarkable K. C. R. R. runs
between the cities of Kindness and
Courtesy, and its president
is 0.
0. Nemo, r Dream Street, Weisnichtwo, N. G. Address .him for further particulars.
Amos R. T,,Vells.
The Point of View
4:<~
,,.--..
~
The kind-hearted
woman stopped to
ouno·ster
who had chased a
the
reprov e
b
Y
cat up a tree.
.
"You bad boy, suppose you were a cat,
would you like to have anyone chasf you
in that fashion? "
"Gee!
wouldn't I though, if I could
climb like that! ,, sai_d ~he youngster,
grinning.-Boston
Transcnpt.
r;,1.
"'
~.:...·-
Why She Quit
DINAH (employed as waitress):
Yas,
mum, I am a-leavin' dis place to-morrow.
MISTRESS: Why, Dinah, whatever can
have displeased you with your position?
Haven't I been treating you well?
DINAH:
Oh, yas, indeed you have,
mum. But to tell de truf, miss, in dis
house dey am too much shiftin' ob de
dishes fo' de fewness of de vittles.
POKER
FOUR JACKS
•
HAND
AND A DIAMOND
�MR. NnVLYWED:
Did you sew the
bntton on my coat, darling?
MRs. NEWLYWED: No, love. I couldn't
find· the button, and so I just sewed up
the buttonhole.-Tit-Bits.
\
~
/iii /I
If~1. .
1
t
/
l'
~1111nllllll=
===I\\\',,
-=~lo,ul-==-===
- =A TABLE-SPOON
•
HIS
LONG SUIT
WAS DANCING
THE
TANGO
•
• HIS ONLY CHANCE
Jane- Do you know you talk in your sleep, John ?
John-Well,
do you begrudge·me even those few words?
�/,~
-7"¼,,
ill
~~
" UNCLE "
JOHN , HOW LONG
•
THIRTY-FIVE
YOU BEE N
"
YEARS, HAVE
MY DEAR,,
YOU DON' T SHOW
IT" •
MARRIED?,,
�Lawn Parties
are Now in
Order
(
REVIVAL.
U
NCLE
EZRA.
-
Did you attt~nd .
any religious services m
New York?
UNCLE
EBEN.-Y
ep.
I was at_wh~~they call~d d 's a-tone of the theatres, and believe me, Ezry,
a "Revival
of some
y •
I w in that place them city people do
judgin' by some of .the odancmg
~a
'
get religion somethm' ~erce.
Here's a piece in th' paper
how to get the best of mosquitos.
PAT:
Shure, who the divil wants thim,
good or bad ?-Boston
Transcript.
BRIDGET:
I
tellin'
The Curtain Lecture
She-I wish you'd keep awake when
I'm talking to you.
He-But,
my dear, I've got to sleep
some time!
BORED BY THE
Defined
CASEY:
talking
Phwat's these "aigrettes"
the papers are
about, Moike?
MALONEY: Wasn't ye ivir in sassiety, ye ignoramous?
Shure, it's phwat ye sind whin ye can't go.
DAY OR
WEEK
�Serums
Once upon a time. no'fl so very long
ago, a boy was born, and they named
him Willie.
This boy's mother did not
nurse him, but he was put on the bottle.
Fortunately, a learned scientist had discovered •how to pasteurize
milk, so
that the _boy did pretty well on cow's
milk.
\Vhen this boy was two years old he
ha_d whooping cough. Fortunately,
Professor Bordet, of Brussels, had discovered that s~rum from a cat would cure
whooping co.ugh, and some cat serum was
injected into ·willie.
Soon after \\Tillie got about again he
was taken with measles.
Fortunately,
Dr. John P. Anderson, of Washington,
had discovered that serum from a monkey
would cure measles.
So they pumped
monkey serum into the boy, and the
measles didn't kill him.
One day "Willie was playing with his
pet terrier, when the dog scratched him.
So his folks, dreading hydrophobia in its
worst - form, rushed him down to New
Jersey, where there is a great institute
in _honor of __the late Professor Pasteur,
,.,,ho, fortunately, discovered that serum
frQm. a dog was a fine thing for rabies.
They pumped dog serum into little Willie
for two months .•
\i\Tillie pulled through nicely, but on
the way home rode in a Pullman sleeper
in • which ·a· smallpox case was discovered.
Fortunately,
Dr. Jenner had
discovered
that
serum
from a cow
would cure smallpox, and so, on getting
home, they pricked some cow serum
into \i\Tillie's arm.
Well, Willie lived along until he was
ten years old, when one night his folks
were . sent into a panic by discovering
that he had black diphtheria.
Fortunately, a noted German physician had
discovered
that serum from a horse
would cure diphtheria, if anything would,
and so they gave Willie some horse
serum.
Finally, at forty years of age, Willie
was taken with a mysterious
malady.
None of the doctors could tell definitely
what it was. At last, as Willie was very
low, a very learned scientist from a great
eastern institute visited him and pronounced it "general
debility".
"But,
cheer up, my man," said the scientist,
" I have a serum from-"
" No more menagerie in mine," sighed
Willie. " Life has been but one blamed
serum after another."
Whereupon Willie
died, much to the regret of the scientist
who felt sure that he was about to en~
rich medical science with a great discovery, since he was about to try serum
from a hen and an alligator on " general
debility ".
\Ve don't know that there's any moral
to this story. But there's a whole lot of
truth to it, anyhow.-Boston
Post.
�:llie
.dy.
:ely
ery
eat
ro-
:ut,
ist,
Mr. Henpeck Explains
It was a wizened
little man who
appeared before the judge and charged
his wife with cruel and abusive treat111.ent. His better half was a big, square. jawed woman, with a determined eye.
" In the first place, where did you meet
this woman who has treated
you so
dreadfully?"
asked the judge.
'' Vv ell," replied the little man, making
a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his
wife, "I never did meet her.
She iust
kind of overtook me."
-Pittsb1irgh
.Chronicle-Tele·,.
, i.
1ed
1ed
llie
ist,
enlisum
ral
ral
of
'' IT 1 S
SMITH,
YOU'RE
ONLY
THAT
::iILLY
MOTHER.
SHALL
I
OLD MRS.
TELL HER
OUT? "
I "JT seems a pity that
I can't 11'!-akea living."
the railroads
" I know it. They are almoit as
bad off as the majority of their passengers."
A TOURTST, "doing"
one of the many
old inns of England, had ordered; tea-~n~l
a sandwich.
The waiter was boring her
with his tiresome descriptions
of the historic connections of each piece of furniture, and tbe legends surrounding
every
article in the house.
" So everything
in the house has ·a
legend connected with it," she remarked,
·when he paused. "\iVell, do tell me about
this quaint old ham sandwich."
-Everybod·y' s.
�Husband
of
Prohibitionist:
ER-MARIA-MY
DON'T YOU THINK
WE MIGHT
DEAR, CONSIDERING
SPLIT
THAT
THIS
IS OUR ANNIVERSARY,
A BOTTLE OF GRAPE-JUICE?
�Winners m Their Class
There are some good stories in Mr.
Reginald
Lucas's
biography
of Lord
North.
One tells of an amusing blunder.
Lady North was no beauty.
It is said
that one night at the opera somebody
asked:
" Who is that plain-looking lady in the
box opposite? "
" That," said North, " is my wife."
" I did not mean her," came the obvious rejoinder ; " I meant the lady next
to her."
"That, sir, is my daughter; and I may
tell you that we are considered to be
three of the ugliest people in London."
-Tit-Bits.
A Fatal Defect
The Reverend Bascom Anthony, a presiding elder of the Methodist Church in
southern Georgia, tells a story of a negro
J)::1stor down his way who failed to give
satisfaction
to his flock.
A committee
from the congregation
waited on him to
request' his resignation.
"Look here! " demanded the preacher.
"\i\Thut's de trouble wid mah preachin·?
Don't I argufy?"
" You sho does, elclah," agreed the
spokesman.
"Don't
I 'sputify concernin' de Scriptures? "
"You
suttinly
docs,''
admitted
the
01-her.
"D en w h at-s• wrong? "
"\Vell, elclah," stated the head of the
committe
e, "hit's
dis way:
You aro-ur
b
ncs and you 'sputifies, but you don't
show wherein ! "
-Sat·urday
E,:eni11g Post.
Lending a Name
" Waiter,"
asked the impatient
customer, " do you call this an oyster
stew?"
"Yessuh," replied Mr. Erastus Pinkley.
"Why, the oyster in this stew isn't
big enough to flavor it."
" He wasn't put in to flavor it, suh.
He is jes' supposed to •christen it."
-Washington
Star.
A BRIDEGROOM is a person who spends
a lot of money buying himself a weddingsuit that nobody notices.-Dallas
News.
---------
~17
~
.RY,
EXTRACT
"
FROM NU MEROUS
HIS FACE LIT UP"
NOVELS
WAIST
ENERGY
�WANTED t6
A
BE CERl A'IN.
carrying a hand-s:1tcl!el and a "GuideBook to the l\!Ietropolis," approached the tall police:..
man on the corner, and smiling affably, asked:
"Can you tell me the height of that building ov•et
there, please?"
·
"Six hundred and seventy-three fe_et and ten ind1es,
from the sidewalk to the top of the tower."
"Thank
you , ever so much.
And is it true that
there are two hundred and thirty-six deaths in New York
every twenty-four hours?"
"Can't say for sure, lady; would n't be surprised,
though."
"Really!
Isn't it dreadful!
Anci
can you tell me how many parks there
are in the city ? "
The tall policeman moved uncomfortably
and gc1ve the exact
number with a deep sigh.
The
lady positively beamed on him as
she asked:
"Is it really so that thirty
years ago this spot was a cowpasture 'where the lowing kine
stood knee-deep
in the· shaded
stream,' and· the only building in sight
was a church on that corner over there?"
The policeman looked longingly at
his watch.
"That 's what I 've been told, but I
dare say it 's sort of exaggerated,
you
know, lady."
"Oh,-do you think so? I hope you 're
\
mistaken; "It/s so sweet to think of these busy
noisy streets once being _peaceful green meadows, don't you think so?
And to think that a rippling brook once intersected that corner, 'flowing
between drooping willows and alders!'
Do you think that is so?"
"Sure of it, lady."
"Really?
Oh, I'm so glad! That is what the guide-book said,
but I wanted to be perfectly certain of it. Thank you ever so much!"
And the small lady tripped joyfully away, while the large, tall
policeman leaned against the corner and mopped his forehead vigorously.
SMALL
LADY,
�\
•·
ffe?
,,,,I.
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~
t
-
j
f
~j
~
i
i;
6
~Mo
.;
earing, tlie wo~Jd's
gre~test artists
is_an everyday _pleasure with-~aVictrola
••
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I.ill
Ill~Ill~\
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" I WON'T
THAT
MAN
HAND,
IT
LOOK HIM
FRIDAY-BUT,
MIGHT
UP.
IT MIGHT
ON THE
BE BILLY
BE
OTHER
SUNDAY!"
OUR RETURN
HOME
As it would have been if we had stayed any longer at that New York hotel
"BOBBIE,
YOU'RE
VERY KAUGHTY.
I HEARD Y(:)U TELL SISTER
TO GO TO THE DEVIL."
"YE
NEEDN'T
TELL HER,"
WORRY,
MOTHER.
SHE
NE\'ER
DOES WHAT
I
�T,OXTHEOTHER
lLYSUNDAY!"
I
CHEER
UP,
"PA, what does it mean when it says
that a man has arrived at years of discretion? "
"It means, my son, that he's too young
to die and too old to have any fun."
-New
York Sun.
SUMMER
IS
COMING I
A Littl~ Too Thrifty
Secretary of War Baker tells a story
of a country youth who was driving to
the county fair with his sweetheart when
they passed a booth where fresh popcorn
was for sale.
" My ! Abner, ain't that nice? " said
the girl.
"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.
"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.
"It does smell kind o' fine,'' drawled
the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer
so you can get a better smell."
-Philadelphia
Ledger.
�The Excuse
I'm very fond
I'm getting
And I would
If it were
of exercise,
much too fat,
take some exercise
not for that.
-Canadiain Courier.
She Doesn't Expect Much
The Waist
lI
An imag'nary line is the waist,
\i\Thich seldom
stays long where
it's
placed,
But ambles and skips
'Twixt the shoulders and hipsAccording
to popular taste.
-Anthony
Euwer, in Harper's lvl agazine.
HE-A
maid must not expect such
lovers as she finds in books. Few men
are paragons.
SHE-Oh!
I should not expect a paragon. I should be satisfied with a lover
young, handsome, brave, noble and un~
selfish.-Dayton
(Ohio) Herald.
TRAVELER: Isn't this train pretty late?
STATION-MASTER: Yes, she is a bit behind, mister, but we're expectin'
her
every hour, now.-Harper's
Magaizine.
The End of Endurance
It v.ras evening.
He and she were
~eated in her father's room burning her
father's gas.
" Answer me, Angelina ! " he cried, in
voice full of passionate
earnestness.
" Answer me!
I can bear this suspense
no longer."
" Answer
him, Angelina ! " came a
voice through
the keyhole.
".Answer
him !
I · can bear
this
expense
no
longer. "-Tit-Bits.
a
" A COUPLE," said Mrs. Simpkins, " got
married a few days ago after a courtship
which had lasted fifty years."
"I suppose," replied Mr. Simpkins, "the poor
old man had become too feeble to ,hold
out any longer."
-Philadelphia
Public Ledger.
Too Evident
NERvo.;s OLD LADY (on small English
railway) : Oh, dear! how we're rocking!
I'm sure an accident will happen to this
train!
ELDERLY ABORIGINAL: It's along o'
their bein' short-handed
wi' skilled men,
mum, so my son 'e orfered to drive her
just to oblige, and (confidentially) I don't
think 'e knows much about it.
-Passing
Show.
i
\·
I
9
�uch
~
such
ewmen
aparaa lover,
anduni
jy late~
abitbetin'her
Jr.;111e.
IIEuglish
, I
: rocking·
en Othis
0
along
ki\led
men,
·1·eher
) dfl
.,
1
1,)
I . l don
J-le:
"I
MY DEAR, POETS ARE BOR~, NOT MADE
KNOW.
I WAS NOT BLAMING YOU, DEAR"
�_,,
..............··...::: ...... .
--
-=-------=tzP~
~
•
•
--- -
" SPEED UP A LITTLE, JIM.
,)
,
UNNECESSARYEXERTION
Pullman
station,
• now?
Porter-Next
$al,1.
Shall
I
1
.
Morton
stop is
br1,1sh yo'
yo',
off
1
it is not neoesthe. train stops I'll ~teP
Morose-No;
sary.
When
.of!.-J.udge.
THE ABSENCE OF APPAREL OFT PROCLAIMS
THE MAN
Personally Interested
Tony, the office janitor,
had been
working faiLhfully at his job for several
years, when he surprised
his employer
one day by asking for a vacation.
" W,e can't get along very well without you," said the boss.
"You
don't
need a vacation.
You'll only blow in
your money and come back broke."
"I like to have vacation,"
persisted
Tony.
"I get married, and I kinda like
to be there."-Argona11t.
Friend:
WHY
YOUR WIFE
Jones:
BACK
TO
THAT'S
TALK~NG
YES.
I'M
HER,
A
RECORD
OF
!
LEARNING
TO
TALK
�ATHLETICS
THE
LAST
LAP
I
A Device For Acquaintance.
Herr
( zur soeben eingestiegenen
''Gnadiges
Fraulein-darf
ich Ihnen
Pl11tz anbieten?"
'' PLEASUl{E
LIES
I~
THE
PURSUIT
THE DESIRED OBJECT AND NOT
IN GAINI
G IT "
OF
Dame:)
meinem
Gentleman (to lady entering otherwise empty car)-"May
I offer you
my seat, miss '!"-Fliegende
Blaetter
(Munich).
�I
SEA-SIDE
SPECIAL
nil~
·,,)
<
-'
\
A BUSINESS
TRIP
NOT TO THE MANNER BORN
S. U~-ban-'S'matter?
Is the man crazy?
Al Right-Stranger in New York, I guess.
Forewarned
Elusive
Consider now the ankle watch,
Which seems to be
A thing we hear a lot about
And never, see.
Mr. Bachrack is a most considerate
husband, but of course there is a limit.
Upon leaving home one mornino- his
wife requested him to purchase for"" her
a pair of ·shoes, giving him a detailed
description of the same.
Promptly on his luncheon hour Mr.
Bachrack proceeded to the shoe emporium.
"I want a pair of button shoes for
my wife," he announced,
as the •clerk
came forward.
" What kind do you wish ? "
"Doesn't matter--just
so as they don't
button in the back."-H arper' s M aga::ine.
�What TrainingWill Do
A traveler
visiting
a large factory
made a bet with the manager that he
would pick out all the married
men
among the employees.
Aecordingly, he
stationed
himself at the . door as they
came back from dinner, and mentioned
all those whom he believed to be mar
ried, and in almost every case he was
right. " How do you do it? " asked the
manager in amazement.
" Oh, it's quite
simple," said the traveler, "quite simple.
The married men all wipe their feet on
the mat 1 the single men don't."-Argonaut.
A TOURTST, traveling
in the Rocky
Mountains,
was introduced
to an old
hunter who claims to have kiIIed no
fewer than jot1r hundred bears.
"Bill," said the introducer, "this feller
wants to hear some narrer escapes you've
had from bears."
The old man, rubbing his eyes, looked
the stranger over, and said :
" Young man, if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had 'em."-Tit-Bits.
~
;-;
Visi'.or-Does
Natvve-No;
/
j{
CANDOR
this town boast of a hotel ?
it apologizes for it.
A Few Best Sellers
The principal character in the following
dialogue was not en <>
o-aaed
i·n fl.1rt a•
"'
ti on, but merely
requisitioning
a few
novels:
YOUN'G
L ADY ( reading
from
zist
• ):
"E
ngaged to Be Married "?
LIBRARIAN (referr·ing to siielf) : N 0
madam.
,
LADY: " Thou Art the Man " ?
LIBRARIAN: yes, madam.
LADY: Thank you. " Two Kisses " ?
LIBRARIAN: Out, madam.
' LADY: "After Dark "?
LIBRARIAN: yes, mad;m.
LADY: Thanks.
"Love Me Forever "?
LIBRARIAN: No. "Wooed
d M •
an
arne• d "?. ,,
considerate
is a limit.
iorning,
his
aseforher
a detailed
hourMr.
oriun1.
,eertlp
1 shoes
for
s theclerk
I
"SHE
1"
'
't
the)'
don
.
,S
'sJ!{oga:ll1e.
LOVED A STRUGGLING
LAWYER"
LADY:
No, thank
you.
" Under
Love's Rule "?
LIBRARIAN: No, madam.
LADY. "G 0 0 d
•
- b Ye, Sweetheart"?
1 hank you very much.
•
--The Boob of To-day and
To-Morrow.
-------,......--------------------------.............
�aa,
-
Twenty-five Years Hence
with your genealogical chart, your
blood-analysis and your phrenological
certificate. I should like now for you
to examine into my own heredity with
a view to considering an offer of mar. "
nage.
. "I 'solicit your vote, madam. I am a
candidate for railroad engineer, subject
to the action of the Democratic party."
" Come, Willie, we are going to the
Zoo to· see the horses."
" 'Rah for Teddy! "
" Faster ! "
"HA VE you a •light, Clarinda? "
"John, do you promise to love,
honor and obey this woman? "
" Children, here are five dollars-go
out •and buy yourselves a stick of
candy."
'' On to Ottawa!"
"The soup is· all cold, Ethelwynda.
I don't see why you should have stayed
for the extra innings."
" Eloise, I am thoroughly satisfied
" OH, THE LITTLE MORE, AND HOW MUCH
IT 1s "
-Browning.
Laugh and Grow _Fat!
�Ur
:al
)U
th
.r-
a
:ct
,_,,
he
f
.
Heard
In the Diner ·
Health
Is All.
IIDportant
\
I
�.
r
,.
l ✓ r._;_
~·'(._
()
\
\
" I Obeyed That Impulse I "
"SAY,
YOUSE!
PASSENGERS AIN'T
ALLOWED ON THE FRONT PLATFORM!"
Not Much of an Eater
Mns. DUFF (to new maid). "But, Mary,
there are only two in the family, Mr. Duff
• and myself; why han you set places for
three?"
TnE
NE\\ 1 MAID. "Sure,
ma'am, it was
the cook that told me you had a pianer
player in !he house."
�IN THE SUBWAY AT THE CENTURY
Faithful to the End
Impulse!"
A reporter on a Kansas City paper
was among those on a relief train that
\vas being rushed to the scene of a railAbout the first
way wreck in Missouri.
victim the Kansas City reporter saw was
a man sitting in the road with his back
to a fence. He had a black eye, his face
was somewhat scratched. and his clothes
he was entirely calm
were badly torn-but
The reporter jumped to the side of the
" How many
man against the fence.
one.
prostrate
the
of
he asked
hurt?"
being
of anybody
heard
" Haven't
hurt,'' said the battered person.
"What was the cause of the wreck?.,
of any
heard
Haven't
"Wreck?
wreck."
heard of any wreck?
"You haven't
"\i\-'ho are you. anyhow?"
'' VI/ell, young man, I don't know that
that's any of your business, but I am the
claim-agent of this road."
Magazine.
-Harper's
have
Why She Wouldn't Pay-"You'Il
to pay for that little boy," said the conductor on a Michigan Central train the
·other day.
"I guess not," said the lady firmly.
"Have you never had to buy a ticket
for him?"
"No, I have not, and J will not begin
now."
"You will have to pay his fare this
time."
That
"No, I shall not pay his fare.
is settled, Mr. Conductor."
'' If you don't pay his fare I cannot let
I will stop the train
him occupy a seat.
and put him off~"
"Stop the train and put him off if you
He's not my little boy. I never
like.
News.
saw him before. "-Detroit
old German farmer
Needless Alarm-An
entered t~rn office of a wholesale druggist
one mornmg and addressed the proprietor
I haf der schmali
Becker,
"Mister
pox"-exheavens, Mr. Jacobs,"
"Merciful
claimed Becker, as the office force scrambled over each other in their hurry to get
out, "don't come any nearer!"
der madder mit you· fellers,
"Vot's
"I
quietly replied Jacobs.
anyhow?"
say I haf der schmall pox of butter out in
mine wagon vot der Mrs. Becker ortered
Food Magalas' week alreaty. "-National
zine.
�I •
Getting Down to Facts
, , WHERE
are you going to spend the
summer?"
.
"Same place as last year, I think."
''Pretty good place, eh?"
"Fine!"
"Have clean rooms?"
"Yes."
"Plenty to eat?"
"All I could get away with."
'' Many other boarders?''
"Not any; a decidedly exclusive
place."
'' Chickens or pigs or such bother
you?"
"Didn't notice 'em."
"Huh!
Must 'a' been swell!
Any mosquitoes?"
"Well, one or two, maybe; but
not many.''
"Were you near the water?"
"Yes. Near water, links, tennis
courts; everything handy.''
"Must 'a' cost a pile."
"No more'n it cost me in town
in winter."
"Get fresh fruits?"
'' Every day.''
"Any scraps with farmers?"
"Didn't have one."
"Charge you for things you didn't get?"
"Not when I was looking."
"Well-you
didn't tell me where
you spent last summer."
"Why, I stayed home. "-A. w. u.
Jones Caught
JONE~ usually caught the five-thirty
tram out of the Grand Central for
New Rochelle.
This day, however, he
had met a friend and remained' over to
renew ~cqu~intanceship.
He was plainly
up agamst It, but finally managed to get·
the following wire off to Mrs. Jones:
. "Misse~ ~he five~thirty.
Don't keep
d~nner wa1tmg. Will be a little late tomght."
It was long after midnight when he
left_ the train at New Rochelle and ten
minutes later before· he reached home.
Mrs. Jones met him at the front door
"Y ou got my message, darling?" he•
asked, pressing a box of bonbons into
her hands.
•
"Oh, yes!"
quickly returned
Mrs.
Jones.
"I got it all right.
But I
would like to know why you sent a wire
at four-thirty, telling me you had missed
the five-thirty train."
Jones couldn't.
Self Restraint
It was a very hot day and the fat
drummer who wanted the twelve-twenty
train got through the gate at just twelvetwer,ty-one.
The ensuing handicap was
watched with absorbed interest both from
the train and the· station platform.
At
its conclusion
the breathless
and perspiring knight of the road wearily took
the back trail, and a vacant-faced
" red
cap " came out to relieve him of his grip.
" Mister," he inquired, "was you tryin'
to ketch that Pennsylvania
train? "
" No, my son," replied the patient man.
" To ; I was merely chasing it· out of the
yard."-Saturday
Evening Post.
-
�1irty
for
he
r to
.inly
get
1
he
ten
Close Quarters.
For the first ti-me in her life she was about
to make a railway journey. When she arr:-,;ed at the station she didn't know what to
do.
She hailed a porter.
"Young man," she said, "can you tell n1e
where I get my ticket?"
"Right there at the bookin' orfis," answered the porter, jerking his thumb backward; "through the pigeon 'ole."
She regarded the hole, and then she regarded the porter. Her face was crimson
with insult.
"You be off, you idiot," she screamed.
"How on earth do you thi3:~ I'm going to
get through there?
I a1n t no blessed
.
'
pigeon.
'
oor.
he
--+-
Hotel Clerk ( maki.ng out his bill) •
AND DID YOU TAKE A BATH, SIR?
Guest: VY, ISS DER VON MISSING?
into
\Irs.
it I
;me
ssed
/:~
V.
'.:!r.} ~
(
<:>
r~
-
1,..
~~~
-~
RECENT CONVERTS
Not Flirtatious-"
Is my wife forward?"
as~ed th e passenger on the Limited.
I really couldn't say sir " answered
th e apologetic conductor.'
never gave
\ ~::, th " opportunity. "-Williams
Purple
"I
-
•
�Oh, ButIt Was Cruel
SEEING
NEW
YORK
<J
() ~:., ..,.
A Club Sandwich.
-Harvard
Lampoon.
A woman
entered
a railway
train
crowded with. winter tourists and happened to take a seat in front of a newly
married couole.
She was hardly seated
before the couple began making remarks
about her which some of the passengers
,must have heard.
Her last year's bonnet and cloak were
freely criticised, with more or less giggling on the bride's part; and there is
no telling what might have come next if
the woman had not put a sudden stop
to the conversation
by a bit of clever
feminine strategy.
She turned her head, noticed that the
bride was considerably
older than the
bridegroom,
and in the smoothest
of
tones said:
" Madam, will you please have your
son remove his feet fr.om the back of
my chair? "-Ladies'
Home J oitrnal.
�ruel
ilwaytrain
s and hapof a newly
irdlyseated
ing remarks
! passen~ers
I cloakwere
or lessgig·
ind thereis
-omenextI'f
suddenstop
Jit of clever
. d thatthe
ice
th
er than e
srnoothest
of
·e your
·e ha, f
' thebac
ko
1
Journal,
Sales111,an:
The Lady:
THERE'S A MIRROR BEHIND YOU, SIR
NEVER l\HND THE MIRROR, YOUNG MAN.
I'M PERFECTLY
OF TELLING HIM WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE
CAPABLE
�W and Double U
"Spell your name! '' said the court clerk sharply.
The witness began:
"0,
double T, I, double U, E, double I,
double--"
"Wait! " ordered the. clerk; "begin again ! "
The· witness repeated:
" 0, double T I, double U, E, double L,
double U, double 0-"
"Your Honor! " roared the clerk, " I beg that this man be committed
for contempt of court! "
"vVhat is yonr name?" asked the Judge.
" My name, Your Honor, is 0ttiwell Wood, and I spell it 0, double
Fashion·s Ills
T, I, double U, E, double L, double
U, double 0, D."
FOR EVER, since the world began,
Diseases have afflicted man.
-Ladies'
Home J ourna.l.
Now, put a stop to them, who can?
The fevers, aches, the pains and chills
Have brought the doctor with his pills,
Who faileth not to send his bills.
Complaints there are that 'bide by rules
Dame Fashion dictates to her schools,
Attended by a flock of fools.
Appendicitis was the thing,
. Glass arm's been placed within a sling,
And housemaid's knee is on the wing.
Some other ills to cut a dashBicycle kidney, golfer's rashAre likely soon to go to smash.
YOUR BEDROOM
AS IT SEEMS
AT THE
MOMENT
YOU HAVE TO GET UP
Close Rub
The steamer was on the point of leaving, and the passengers lounged on the
deck and ~ waited
for the start.
At
length one of them espied a cyclist in
the far distance,
and it soon became
evident that he was doing his level best
to catch the boat.
Already the sailors' hands were on
the gangways, and the cyclist's chance
looked small inde~q.
Then a sportive
passenger •w'agered , a sovereign
to a
shilling that he would miss it. The of-
What next distemper will prevail
We know not; but we loudly wail
That the inventor, without bail,
Summarily be sent to jail!
-Addison
F. Andrew,.
fer was tak(;!n, and at once the deck became a scene of wild excitement.
" He'll miss it."
"No;
he'll just do it."
" Come on ! "
" He won't do it."
"Yes, he will. He's done it. Hurrah! "
In the very nick of time the cyclist
arrived, sprang off his machine, and ran
up the one gangway left.
" Cast off ! " he cr~ec.
It was the captain.-Tit
Bits.
�a
,;.···
,. -;:,
.~,.;,:--...
_.. :,
•
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:·,·\,
,r .J
\,,.,.
~
.,
r;
!1'
f/ >~\!':\::{>.
''tJ::~t*
\~ ..
_; :_;,-~-,;;;,,/ , ·:7,
~y
.:~.:Jr·;r ff
/
·/;,··
' .,/l
@::c
s
··~:::;::
ldbegan,
I man.
vhocan?
··""--<;
..
1s andchills
,,-·..ry_
ithhispills,
s bills.
;
/
' i' r,..,.....,
,,,.
e--2=·
'bidebyrules
herschools,
Is.
~
•
r
i
.... --~ ,,.,·1.r
,~I '·•
"ithina sling,
•:,.. r• • •, ...., , ,,
•
1nthewing.
--
.
..
ij~~
l(' //;
r
I
\1r
.,,.,..
~'-I
?.
,..\I':''.
, ..,..,.._
.
1sh-
,~~~s~:::
3Sh-
nash.
prevail
dlywail
t bail,
!
<,1,r:,;;_~•.t~·.~1't.<tl""'(.,Y~-=~:•:~:~
"OH,
HENRY,
ISN'T
EVERYTHING
IN
'.).
NATURE
BEAUTIFUL?"
ddiionF.Andreic,,
deckbe·
it.
·t
I,
1
Bur·
A Ni,:w YoRK salesman tells of a stay
made by him in a Western hotel where
he observed
an old-fashioned
rollertowel.
"Say,"
asked the Gothamite of
a man in the washroom,
" don't the
owner of this hotel know that it's against
the law of the State of Illinois to
use roller-towels now? "
"He knows it all right enough,"
said the man addressed, "but that
law wasn't passed when this towel
was put up."-Argonaut.
becyclist
, andran
,,
S,
>-----
-
-- -
Exciting Times
"\Vell," mused six-year-old Harry, as
he was being buttoned into a clean white
suit, "this has been an exciting week,
hasn't it, mother?
Monday we went to
the Zoo, Wednesday
I lost a tooth,
Thursday was Lily's birthday party, Friday I was sick, yesterday I had my hair
cut, and now here I am rushing off to
Sunday-school."-Lippincott'
s.
�~
~
I [~
;
\~
I
..=::=-
\,
-
•
-
-- -- . - _._ ------
---
~;=~
- _/.,,......
•
•/
. /
,.,,.,,.,./
I
;
~
--
,!
jI
I
I
.11
I
II
-
------
t==-I
I
. _l
~~
~~
-----·
-
~
-
~~-::===-~-"BUT, MY DEAR JANE, I HAVEN'T SAID A WORD."
"NEVERTHELESS
I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING,
WEREN'T,
FOR -1 WOULDN'T
AND THERE'S
BELIEVE YOU IF YOU DIDN'T."
Safety First
A man observed that in these days of
change and trying to keep up with Lizzie
he had made it a rule never to ask a man
how his wife was if he hadn't kept track
of the pair ·for a couple of months.
The
rule was the result of his having said
to a woman:
" I had a long talk with
your husband yesterday," and her reply:
" Had you, indeed?
He's a v.ery interesting man, as I remember him."
-Ladies'
H 0111,eJ 011rna!.
NO USE
SAYING
YOU
�A Lirr..erick
A gentleman of Albuquerque
Raised a very fine Thanksgiving
terque;
\i\Then they said " Does it trot? "
He said, " Certainly not;
But its walk is a little bit jerquc."
-Woman's
Home Camp anion.
AT a negro wedding, when the clergyman read th_e words " love, honor and
obey ", the bridegroom
interrupted
and
said:
"Read that again, sah ! Read it
once mo', so's de lady kin ketch de full
solemnity ob de meanin'.
I'se been married befo'."-Argona1tt.
-
,,
; J
/
½
t
,
I
I
INGyou
ROMANCE
A Perfect Program
This story has the merit of being true,
anyhow:
The official pessimist of a small
Western city, a gentleman who had wrestled with chronic dyspepsia
for years,
stood in front of the post office as the
noon whistles sounded.
"Twelve o'clock, eh?" he said, half to
himself and half to an acquaintance.
" Well, I'm going home to dinner.
If
dinner ain't ready I'm going to raise hell;
and if it is ready I ain't going to eat a
bite."-Satitrday
Evening Post.
�l \ l / I lI11l l Il [(I
vvbU
..
,/·
ICC ( i
l//!tt
.
//··///
,,
.
~--
.'W;
We Can't All Be Beautiful
�_j!lllt,,,....,,,.aur
A re You an Optimist)
A Run for the Money
.
A traveler bought a ticket and then,
going out on the platform, said :
" How soon does the train start? "
" \i\Thy, there she goes now," said a
" You've just missed her."
porter.
The traveler kept on. the line and set
out in pursuit of the train with all his
But in two or three minutes he
might.
came trudging back.
A laLighing crowd had gathered and
tbf" porter said:
" vVell, did you catch her? "
"No," said the traveler, "but. by jingo,
City Star.
I made her puff."-Kansas
f
''Conductor,''
inquired the nerv- t
us old lady,\
• hich end of the
do I get off?"
' ' Either end,
\ madam," replied
the polite con"both
ductor;
ends stop."
In Suspense
In the
"I
Sere and Yellow
am getting old," confessed Uncle
I
"Age is creeping on me.
Pester.
notice the signs more and more frequently. For instance, the other day, when
the circus was here--"
"v\Thy, you went to it! "
" Oh, yes ! I went, but I got kind of
tired of the hard seats before the big
show was over and didn't stay for the
City Star.
concert at all! "-Kansas
A small boy· gazed long and earnestly
at a fat man who stood on a corner
chewing the end of a
absent-mindedly
Finally the man noticed
piece of string.
the boy and inquired,
"Well, my little man, what interests
you?"
"Please, sir," the boy returned, "when
are you going to pull that tooth?"
�LOVE MATCH.
OM was in love •with Betty, and Betty was in love with Tom, although
she had not confessed it to him. The girl decided that before
giving her answer she would visit her friend Mary. Mary and Henry
had been married four years, and it had been called a love match.
"Here," said Betty to herself, "is one who will tell me that my high
ideals concerning marriage are practical, for she has had experience."
Two days after Betty's arrival at her friend's suburban home the
subject was discussed while the girls were sitting on the back porch. It
was early evening, and the pretty June night seemed to invite confidences.
"Betty," said Mary, sentimentally, "why don't you marry and
find out how h~py you can be?"
"I have al ways thought that the
THAT
T
, ,.
,1
, ,,
1
//:/.,/,:::,,/~ ,,/
greatest happiness is found in married life when the husband and wife
truly love each other," answered
Betty.. Then she added, untruthfully, "I am afraid I do not care
enough for any man to marry him."
,: You silly girl!" ~xclaimed the :¥ife.
"You have too high-toned not10n~:
, ( 'j •ff·
,/ / ,,/;,: 'Ii
~
"WET
1
c~~~e
\, ..,,'.,',·,·'',·)
/ __
•,'_/,·'',:·'':,i/
~:~t/ w::n;efi;~tet~.
~~:nh:~
1
_
1- for information,
and Mary was a
/ ,/ ,: • , go()(l talker.
"In the first ~'llace, you must get
this story-book nonsense out of your
head, for of course there is no love
like that.
Marry a man who is fond
of you, and a man that you like.
Forget your ideal of love such as we
used to talk about in our schooldays, for it, doesn't exist.
'\iVhen
you have a nice home of your own,
and are settlerl. for life, that brings
happiness,
I have never loved
Henry, but I like him, and we don't
have nearly so many differences as
we used to have. There is a lot in
getting used to one another. To be
sure, Henry· was crazy about me,
WEATHER
WE'RE
HAVING,
ISN'T
IT, MR. BALDWIN?"
and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer."
Giving her friend's hancl a
little squeeze, she went on: "I know
MRS. HOYLE:
She hasn'_t much
you are popular with the men, and I
political influence.
hope you will profit by my experiMRs.
DOYLE:
I should say not; she
ence and decide to marry bdore very
doesn't control her husband's vote,
long. Do you hear?"
•
".};lzear," said ~etty,
-
-
•
------
�A NEWLY published book tells of a
tramp who found twelve thousand dollars
and with it got into society.
Not an ordinary tramp if he did with twelve thousand dollars.
An efficiency expert.
-Courier-Journal.
A moment later Henry joined
'them, and after they had praised
the moon and stars Mary went
into the hov.se for a shouldertbrow.
Henry immediately beg,rn to !llake pretty speeches.
"You a,re foolish," Betty told ~im.
"Don't yot1 know that it is very silly of a married man to talk in this
manner to a girl?"
"I guess you 're right," he sighed.
He looked stec1lthily toward
the house, found his wife was not in sight, lowered his· voice, and
remarked that it was a great relief to find some. sympathetic person
to whom he could talk freely.
Betty had .not expected to iet his
point of view, and she almost gasped.
"Gee!" said the fond husband, "I 'm sorry that I am not single,
and able to come and go as I like.· Of course, Mary is a mighty
good sort, but my need of a home was what drove me to marriage.
I tell you, when a fellow has been boarding, and has had enough of
restaurants and hotels, he finds that matrimony is the only way out.
I must say that my wife is a capahle housekeeper, and has alwc1ys
seen to it that I had a well-ordered home.
I liked her as well as
anyone I knew, and she certainly was gone on me.
Do you really
understanrl me?"
"I 1tndersta11d," said Betty.
D. I. Nichols.
What Do You Think?-
a
I·
"DARN
YOU!
BEEN
IF
YOU
MARRIED
HADN'T
IN
TWO
BUTTED
MINUTES
IN,
WE'D
MORE! "
HAVE
�Don't Get the Habit
•
,1
·r
POKER TERM
·"
/or
HoT
WEATHER
THREE
OF A KIND
AND A PAIR"
�i-------~--
---------
-
The MedicineThat Helped
--
Imaoination
must •always be reckoned
b
with in medicine-sometimes
as a friend,
sometimes as a foe. A certain doctor,
says the Washington Star, treated an- old
woman for typhoid feyer.
On each visit
he took her temperature
by putting a
thermometer
under her tongue.
One day, when she was nearly well, the
doctor did not bother to take her temperature.
He had hardly got one hundred yards from the house when her son
called him back.
" Mother
is worse,"
said the man.
'• Come back at Once."
The doctor returned.
As he came into
the sick-room the old woman looked up
at him with angry and reproachful
eyes.
" Doctor," she said, "why didn't you
give me the jigger under me tongue today?
That always did me more good
than all the rest• of your trash."
-Yonth's
Companion.
Wary
A woman, wearing an anxious expression, called at an rnsurance office one
rnorning.
"I understand,"
she said, "that
for
fiye dollars I can insure my house for a
thousand dollars in yo-Lir company."
" Yes," replied the agent, "that
is
right. If your house !jUrns down ,Ye pay
you one thousand doll::i.rs."
"And,., continued the woman anxiously,
"do you make any inquiries as to the
origin of the fire?"
"Certainly,"
was the prompt reply;
'· we make the most careful 1nqu1nes,
madam.··
"Oh! "-and
she tt1!·ned to leave the
office-" I thought there was a catch in
it somewhere. ··-£7.:erybody's.
THE
MA
WHO
FORGETS
TO MOVE
ALO~G
�~\(r
y~JT
.
•,
~
a\
J
~ ~'
7
-~
1
II
YOUNG.
MRS. MURPHY
(intltemuseum).
-Shure,
they say this Venus thinois two thousand years old.
"'
MR.
MURPHY.
- Talk
ab O 11 t
holdin'
wa11's age!
She don't
look over twinty !
"MOTHER,
THAT'S
"WHY
up the
THE
BIGGEST RADIATOR I EVER SAW
has your wife decided to give
European
trip she was contem-
plating? "
.
" She happened to hear somebody say
that travel broadened one.i,
-Chicago
Record-Herald.
"
ANOTHER ONE ON
HENPECK
She (as he buttons the last
one)-I
think I '·11wear that
other corset.
�'11111
,
:lling
)011 l
don't
Her
Executive
WELL:- KNOWN Arkansas
bachelor, Mr. Hod Durnitt,
upon being interrogated
by
a friend while awaiting the
arrival of the west-bound
train at the railway station
in Polkville, confessed.
"Well, no,"
said he, "I'm not going to marry the
Widder McCorkendade, after all, in spite
of the prevailing impression to the contrary.
Instead, I am going to hang my
harp on a willer tree, as it were, and
li~ht out for Arizona;
that is, if the
widder don't get here before the train
does. Not that I'm hurting, presizely,
to go to Ariz:ma; but Arizona's a good
ways from here, and-er-ahNo,
there ain't nothing
the matter with
Pearlie-Pearl's
her first name, you
know-except
that she's a little tooer -able, so to express it. She has run
the farm mighty well since her husband
died, and nobody ever really blamed her
for flinging scalding water on the constable the time you prob'ly recollect,
and she can trade horses as good as the
average man, and-but,
still, she's a little too accomplished, sorter, it 'pears to me. I
was out there a couple of
hours ago - it's a good
place, toq, and she's a
fine cook and all that; but
A b i 1i t y .
I
-well,
while we was setting there on
the porch, talking of our future happiness and the like of that, a couple of the
dogs got to fighting.
A man's way,
you know, when dogs fight, is to yank
'em apart and kick 'em in opposite
directions
and let it go at that.
But Pearlie done different.
She
just grabbed
'em by the tails,
snatched 'em loose from each other,
swung 'em up and went to wringing
'em around in the air like you'd
wring a chicken's head off, with the
poor varmints yelling bloody murder at every revolution, and then
flung 'em this way and that without
even looking, and came and set down
close to me and took up the talk
right where she'd left off. Naeher'} enough, the question riz in
my mind, if she'd treat a couple of
good dogs that-a-way, what in this
world of sin would she do to a husband? And so-well, if you chance
to see 'Pearlie after I've left, tell
her I've gone to Greenland or Patagonia, or any place you happen to
think of but Arizona.
She might
take a notion to come there.''
-Tom
P. Morgan.
All Off
BOLDNESS
ADMIRED
"I fc;>r2:ot ,;11yself and spoke angrily
to"l11,Y· ,nfe,
remarked
:Mr. Meekton.
Did .she resent
it?"
'.'For_ a moment.
But Henrietta
is a
~a1r-mmded
woman. After she thought
it over
she shook hands with me and
congratulated
me on my bravery.""\Vashington
Star.
A man very much out of breath ran
into the railway station and made a wild
rush for the ticket-seller's
window.
A
few moments later he came back and sat
down with an air of dejection.
" So you missed your train," remarked
his neighbor.
"I suppose there was a
woman at the ticket-window
hunting for.
her pocket-beak? "
" Worse than that," replied the disappointed
one. " There was a fat man
.
try mg to get th rough the turnstile."
-Lippincott'
s.
�Had Not Gone
Figures Lie Again
He was a new customer
from the
country, and he had given a fairly large
order.
The courteous old senior partner
v.ras conducting
him over the establishment, and the various
Improvements
caused Mr. Giles boundless astonishment.
A table telephone interested him as much
as anything.
He had never seen anything of the sort before.
"It is a great convenience
to us,"
explained the senior partner.
" You see,
I can communicate with all our departinents without
moving from my seat
here."
" My, that's wonderful! " said Giles.
'' Can I try it for myself? ''
" Certainly."
The visitor got himself switched on to
the packing-room.
"Have
Mr. Giles of Mudbury's goods
been sent off yet? " he inquired.
Back came the answer:
''No;
we haven't
packed
'em yet.
'\iVe're waiting for a telegram from his
town; he looks like a sl.i'ppery customer''
.....
:.-Tit-Bits.
'Bena was much excited over the prospects of a camp meeting that was about
to take place in her neighborhood.
For
weeks she h~d been preparing gay and
gaudy feathers for the array, and now
her outfit was complete, saye a pair of
much-desired patent leather slippers. She
approached her mistress.
" Miss Ford," she said, " I sho' wants
to git a pair o' slippers 'fo' de meetin'
commences, an' I ain't got a single cent
lef'."
"What
size do you wear, 'Bena? "
asked her mistress.
"Mah right numbah is 'fo," she replied, "but I has to weah sebens, 'cause
fo's hurt me dat bad I jes' natcherly
caint hardly walk."
-Woma,n's
Home Co1hpanion.
In Plain English
Pup:
MEAN
I SUPPOSE
THAT'S
WHE.:--r THEY'
SPEAK
MONIOUS
HOLE."
WHAT
THEY
OF '' A HAR-
One of the upper ten thousand who
was . visiting America accepted the hospitality of a gentleman
in New York.
When taking farewell of his host the
latter asked him what he thought of the
American people.
" Well, answered
the nobleman, n I
like them immensely, but I miss something.''
" '\1/hat is that? " asked the Yankee.
1
' I
111iss the aristocracy," r•'~l., J ~~ ... ;
Englishman.
"'\i\That are they?"
naively asked his
host.
" The ::ristocracy ! ,. said the nobleman
in 'a sun.ew.hat su, priseJ •nnc r{ v~ce.
'" ·why, they ar·e people who do nothino- vou know; whose fathers did nothin;: ·~c know; whose gqljldfathers
did
nothing,
, ou know---L
fact,. tht.. aristccracy--Here he was i.nterrupted by the American, who chimed in with:
"Oh! we've
plenty of them over here; but we don't
call them
aristocracy-we
call them
tramps."-Argon~ut.
�e Pros; about
I. For
l)' and
d now
1airof
s. She
1
wants
1eetin'
e cent
A LEADING
CLUB
ena1"
1e recause
cherly
IOI/,
.nd who
the hosiV York.
liostthe
1tof the
man,n I
ss someYankee.
nobleman
r[ yqice.
do noth·
did noth·
thersdid
tht aris-
YOSEMITE
heAmer·
)h! we're
't
wedon
•allthem
1
WOMAN
�t:_:___
~
P<::_
jJ
h
l\\\\\\\
-.::1...
~~1"
- .• .
~
Do You Ever Stop To Think?
•••··
...
··-..:>,.
>:-"~,.>
- A
" MY DEAR MADAM, WHAT
EXERCISE.
TRY BUTTO~ING
SHOES EVERY MORNING."
YOU NEED IS
YOUR OWN
FLIRTATION
::~,;;~
c,"
�•.
"LOOK
HOW .THAT
:MAN'S
HEAD
SHINES,
MOTHER"
�~
-~;~)
_/
~-y
~
~
;
w
USUALLY.
ILLI_s.-·w1iat 's that little
thmg you've got there?
G1Lus.-That
's one of the
new patent collapsible trunks.
I carry everything in it.
WILLIS.-And
what's that
packing-box for?
. GILLls.-That
isn't a pack~ng-box.
That's
the cardmdex system for the trunk.
1
!
. !
1-
1:;
THE ONLY APPARENT
The
Guard:
LIVELY
THERE
SOLUTION
NOW-BOTH
GATES!
•
11
1
I!ii
ll1n1l•
~
✓
I\
~-······
.
---·····
~-=~~
,
"M'RIA,
LET GO! THE TRAIN'S
~-
STARTED!"
Really! Really!
Tramp (to the elderly spinster) Gimme a pair o' boots, lidy.
\
Spinster-I
haven't any to give away.
Tramp-Then
arst yer 'usbin' if 'e
ain't got an ole pair o' trowsers to spare.
Spinster (not wishing to betray her un
wedded state)-My
husband-er-neve
wears such things.-Sketch
(London).
�LY,
t's thatlittle
·e gottl1erel
s oneoftl1e
trunks
psible
'
'
'
: 11111,
what'stliat
1
i~111a pack.
the card.
lietrunk.
"WHO
IS THAT
WOMAN
'' SHE IS A MRS. WRIGHT,
"I
eallY!
jerY
1
• l spinster)~
lidY· ·ve8waY•
anY
togi_, if 'e
yer'usbin
tospare,
,trowsers
, run·
avue
t
gtober. neve1
i
d....er---
1usblan/London),
:ketC
!
STANDING
BY
THE
TABLE?"
OF CHICAGO."
WOULD RATHER BE WRIGHT THAN
BE PRESIDENT."
CRA\NFORD:
What prompted him
to buy a car?
CRABSHAW:
He says his wife is
afraid to ride m one.
�From Pure Joy of Living
Miss Maria Thompson
Daviess, the
author, having lived all her life in the
South, has a fund of humorous stories
ahout the negroes.
The following one is
her favorite:
One day she walked down a street in
Nashville with a guest from the North.
The street was crowded with negroes,
who were forming in line for a parade.
Miss Daviess's
guest was curious to
know what it was about;· and seeing a
boy whom she knew, Miss Daviess called
him to her.
" What's the occasion for the parade,
Tom? " she asked.
The boy looked at her with a grm.
" La, Miss Daviess," he replied, " don'
you-all know colored folks well 'nough
to know <lat dey don' need no 'casion
foh a p'rade? "-Youth's
Companion.
SOCIETY
"TUE
lHUDE
WORE
NOTE
A \VJ{E,\TH
OF
.T{OSES"
Fair Play
~
~~
SEQUEL
"A book of verses underneath a treeRo1~antic stuff I used to quote, and me
Beside myself with infelicity!
Ah, paradise were wilderness-with
thee !"
Two motorists, having almost ruined
'. their tempers.L,.._and their tires-in
a vain
• attempt to find a hotel with a vacant
. bed, were at last forced to make the best
of a small inn. Even then they had to
share a bed, which was-and
on this the
landlord
laid great stress-a
featherbed.
They turned in, and one of the pair
was soon fast asleep. The other was not.
He could not manage to dodge the lumps.
and heard hour after hour strike on the
church clock until three.
Then he v10lc-ntly shook his snoring friend.
"vVhat's
the matter?"
growled the
sleeper.
" It can't ·be time to get up
yd!"
" No, it isn't," retorted his friend, continuing to shake him, "but it's my turn
t'J sleep on the feather!
"-Everybody's.
�, II
t ruined
n a vain
a yacant
thebest
y hadto
t thisthe
feather·
the pair
, wasnot.
5•
heJumP
:e on the
i he vio·
wlcd the
get UP
0
iend,con·
. inY turn
)
I
,erybodY
s.
IN SOUTHERN
WATERS
"And I would that my tongue would utter
The thoughts that arise in me."
Tennyson.
�--r,~
~
\
·\vd
_::,,,../.r=-/
ONLY ONE GLANCE
you notice that woman·
Pa,~seo. ?" inqttired
he.
who
. - The one,'' responded
h
•·
gray
hat, the white
fe:tt'
wtth
velvet
roses
the
"ler, the
black skirt, the min:~uve
ja.cket,
ender spa.ti?"
urS, and the
• ''Yes"
'
"Not' paFUcularly."
.ro~r al.
- K::i.n~Fa
"Did
i/ ,,
'/ .
r ~
I
\,
·_,
-
(r;i~l({~~~s
Pi~/
.
r.---~
t
~,.::......:..__
" YOURS IN
HASTE "
English Papers Please Copy
I'
· The teacher had guests at school one
afte·rnoon and naturally was anxious for
her pupils to make a good impression.
"\i\Tilliam," she asked of a rosy-faced
lad," can you tell me who George vVashington was? "
"Yes,
ma'am," was the quick reply.
" He was an American gen'ral."
"Quite
right,"
replied
the teacher.
'' And can you tell us what George \Vashington was rernarkable
for? "
"Yes, ma'am," ·replied the little boy.
" He v,·as remarkable because he was an
American
and told the truth."
-·-Ladies' Home J ourna1.
MR. BROWN
had just registered
and
,,·as about to turn away when the clerk
asked:
'· Beg pardon, but what is your name?"
" ~a.me! " echoed the indignant guest.
" Don't you see my signature there on the
1·cgister?"
"I
do," retL1tnecl the clerk calmly.
"That is what aroused my curiosity."
-E7.:erybod::i ·s.
PRIMA F ACIE EVIDENCE
1
" DID
FRIGHT
YOTJ HEAR ABOUT THE
TERRIBLE
BOBBY GOT ON THE DAY OF HIS
WEDDING?"
" NO, BUT I WAS AT THE CHURCH AND
S:\ ,v TTT::R."
--------------
Ju1t
the
req.
the
lay ..
Clty
1·
�What Next?
_'i
What of the styles for next season?
What sort of hats shall we wear?
What modes will show signs of reason?
What shall we do with our hair?
What startling dance will enthrall us?
What game o-f cards shall we play?
\J\That new disease must befall us?
\i\That sort of clubs will hold sway?
What brand-new microbes will hurt us?
What former faiths go adrift?
\,\That new refot ms will divert us?
\\'hat shall we try to uplift?
-The
Cl11b-Fellow.
- ~
-~~
" CAN
"DO
" I'D
I GET
YOU
LIKE
OFF
FOR
TO-MOt,~ow,
HAVE TO GO,
TO-I'M
THE
A WEDDING?
"
BOSS,
,,
BRIDEGROOM.
\
A Hero's Sacrifice
, ,GOODNESS
gracious alive, George!"
exclaims the wife, when her husband appears at her side on the street,
attired in a sleeveless undershirt,
short
unmentionables,
oxford shoes, a hat and
nothing else.
"Have you gone crazy?
Why, look how the people all stare at you
and talk about you! You are making us
ridiculously conspicuous·."
"That'R all right, darling," the brave
man answers.
"I've got so darned tired
of the way other people rubber at you in
your thin clothes that I concluded to do
something in the same line and distract
their attention.
At that, I've got pretty
near as much clothes on as you have."
\,,
',~11.;i.;< 'l
\ . \......
J
The Sympathetic Curate.
Steward-''
Can I do anything
for
your wife, sir?"
Curate-"It
isn't my wife, I don't
know who it is - poor thing !"-The
Sketch (London).
�JN
25 and 50
Nantucket
•
quite alone,
in their houses
One man who
put out, above
•
there are many wi,dows and spinsters, left
who are accustomed to hire a man to sleep
to ward off any possible nocturn~l dangers.
came to have quite a business in this line,
his door, a sign which, read as follows :
Odd jobs during the day,
Twenty-five cents an hour.
Sleeping with nervous old ladies,
Fifty cents ..
"ZACHARIAH!
REMEMBER YOU CANT'
SWIM.
"
I
�-
---..
'' YOU CAN
LEAD A HORSE
MAKE
TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN'T
HIM
DRINK
11
•
A SUNDAY-SCHOOL
I
teacher was quizzing her class ot
boys on the strength of their desire for righteousness.
"All those who wish to go to heaven," she said, "please
stand."
All got to their feet but one small boy.
"Why, Johnny," exclaimed the shocked teacher, "do
you mean to say that you don't want to go to heaven?"
"No, ma'am," replied Johnny promptly.
"Not if
that bunch is going."
�I!.
l
I
~
�Authoritatively Informed
"So you come from New York," said
an English lady to a traveling American.
"I supposed, of course, you came from
Boston."
" Why did you think that? " inquired
the }, ew York lady.
" I supposed all cultivated,
intelligent
Americans came from Boston."
"But
what in the world made you
think that? " was the natural question.
"Oh, I don't know, exactly.
I think
it was a Boston lady who told _me."
-Christian
Register
(Boston).
MAMA (to small Grace who had just
put her shoes on alone for the first
time): "But, dear, you have them on
the wrong feet."
Small Grace (in surprise):
"Why,
mama, these are the only feet I have!"
LITTLE Dorothy always laughs when
any catchy music is played in her
hearing. When asked the reason, she
replied:
"I just can't help it. It tickles my
teeth!"
No Such Name
Paul Armstrong
tells of a friend of
his, an exceedingly deaf man, who was
being introduced
to. a young woman.
The young woman was pretty, but she
had a strange
name.
Her name was
Dinglefugle.
"Mr.
Smith,"
said the mutual
acCJL,aintance, "this is Miss Dinglef\1gle."
The deaf man cupped his hand behind
his ear.
" Please pardon me,'' he said, " but
I'm hard of hearing.
'\i\That did you say
the name was? "
"Miss Dinglefugle."
" I'm awfully sorry," murmured
the
afuicted one with a strained and puzzled
Jook in his eye; "but I haven't caught
it yet.''
The other man raised his yoice to a
shout.
" Miss Dinglefugle ! " he blared.
Resignedly,
hopelessly
the deaf man
shook his head.
" It's no use," he said; " sounds like
DinglE:fugle to me."
-Sa,turday
Evening Post.
FOUR-YEAR-OLD Joyce had coffee for
breakfast one morning. She insisted
on having more sugar in it.
"But I put some sugar in your coffee,
dear," said her mother. Joyce scraped her
spoon in the bottom of her cup noisily.
"I don't feel it," she said dubiously.
A DISTINGUISHED
but rather eccentric author wore a business suit with
immaculate white kid gloves when he
called on some friends who were the
proud parents of a small son.
The little boy seemed to be much attracted by the caller and stayed close by
his chair all the time.
"You like to stand by Mr. L-and
hear his funny stories, don't you, Arthur?" asked his father.
"No, his hands smell just like our autoombile," replied Arthur.
�THE BROTHERHOOD
Total Stranger:
OF REMOVING
THAT
WAS ONCE CAUSED
A TRIFLE
OF MAN
PARDON ME, SIR, IF I TAKE THE LIBERTY
BLONDE
HAIR
CONSIDERABLE
FROM
YOUR SHOULDER.
ANNOYANCE
BY JUST
I
sucit
�Tourist:
WHAT
A SINGULARLY
BLANK
LookingAhead
THE
Crowells were at dinner.
"I told Murray that we might drop rn on them this
~vening," remarked Crowell.
" Oh, pshaw! " exclaimed Mrs. Crowell, impatiently.
'You know I don't want to visit those Murrays, and I
:an't understand why you do."
"I don't," replied the husband. "I told him that, so that
1ve might stay at home without
fear of having them drop
n on us."
AND
UNINTERESTING
STRETCH
OF COUNTRY!
�I
,Tll
'-.
THE
HAT
TRICK
,,..,
(
~
~
" THE
~
~
OLD BOY "
0
·-=
...-'-
-
---
~
'RB BJ~
" MOTHER,
0
~~.-.:.-
YOU DID SOMETHING
PLAY WITH
THE
I CANNOT
EASILY
FORGIVE.
NEW LITTLE BOY NEXT
YOU ASKED
DOOR "
ME TO
�!'~'I' iI
'=~--
I
_jp_j
/
IL___})I IIJJ
I{
-~
--=---'
•
- ...,,. '
. ·-=·- .
-
WHO CARES IF THE LAST TRAIN HAS GONE?
/ Do _You· Care?
�"'-~~ ';f
.1-
.;,,~
·N
¥:'-'
._,..,,,,..,.
.,,
,a¢
An Object Lesson -While on the way to
the theater with her husband one Saturday night recently, a Belmont Avenue
matron stopped in front of a doorway to
listen to an auctioneer who waR chanting_
away inside at the rate of something like
two hundred and fifty words a minute.
"Come on," the husband exclaimed.
"We don't want to stand here."
"Just wait a little longer," the wife
insisted.
"But why?"
"I just want to get a good look at that
man inside," the wife retorted.
"You
seem so fond of telling me you never in
your life saw anybody that could beat me
talking."
I
lT
Comm'ylter:
I
IT'S
WOULD
LUCKY
I HAD MY CANE WITH
HAVE
MISSED
THE
ME OR
EXPRESS
An Awkward Apology.
A kindergarten
teacher in Washington, with a pile of books on her
arm, was about to get off a street
car just as a gentleman whom she
thought she recognized as the parent
of a pupil in her school got on.
"Good-morning!"
she said, with a
cheery smile.
_
Instantly she saw, by the quizzical
expression on the face of the man addressed, that she had made a mistake.
Intending to correct it, she added
quickly,
"Oh, pardon me! I thought you
were the father of one of my chil, dren. ''
1°,4
ffl,1,JTI'
" CHRISTIAN
ENDEAVOR"
~-
�theway
\o
oneSatur.
nt Avenue
doorway
to
is chanting
ething
like
minute,
exclaimed.
,,
," thewife
look
atthat
ted, "You
·ounmrin
uldbeatme
I
!\.oo,.(t~,,..~·
______
_.)
\b
" HONEST,
THAT FACE
JIMMY,
o'
YOU'D
YOURS IN HERE AN' FRIGHT'NIN'
The
'
I
/Train~Boy
CHUMP:
\Vere
you ever at an after-
noon tea?
GRUMP:
No, but once I was in a
1)lace ·where sixteen phonogr_aphs played
simultancously.-Hari·ard
La 1np 0011.
o'
OUGHTER BE ASHAMED
'('
I\
YERSELF
THE LIONS."
,
'
I
BRINGIN'
�Are they coming
I
To.
l'l'I
..........,ALIFORNIA
Here's Hoping \
Greet Them Tomorrow
..
and
Grace\
,
�·
l __~pecial
_
\ Who Was There
That YOU
Knew?
1
Guess ,/Again
I
"
Pretty good fun is Keeping
Up \Vith Lizzie .."
[ A~y
-
Oid
~rime- --
/
,
/ The ~Happ!est Thought
How to make a good vacation better
Just wait ti~I_YOUget·
Here
�r ,
'I
I
:
!
!11
)
'
Last Call
Supper
NotOnly
Safety.
.FirstButFirst,
Lastand
; All the
Time·
Barn!
Bump!
C-r-r-rash !
�"SOMEONE
HAD BLUNDERED
,,
\ Thanks
\
Too Much Argument
On the western plains the sheepman
goes out with several thousand head and
one human companion.
The natural result is that the pair, forced on one another when they least want it, form the
habit of hating each other.
An ex-sheepman while in a narrative
mood one evening was telling a party of
friends of a fellow he once rode with.
" Not a word had passed between us for
more than a week, and that night when
we rolled up in our blankets he suddenly
asked:
"' Hear that cow heller? '
"' Sounds to me like a bull,' I replied.
·" No answer, but the fol.lowing morning I noticed him packing up.
•
"' Go~ng to leave?' I questioned.
"' Yes,' he replied.
"' What for? '
"' Too much argument.' "
-Milwaukee
Sentinel.
�•
9.["f-ll/,~
"WELL,
MUM,
IT
TJJlll(l{lW,llf
r--
~,
.
OR TEN
DAYS
ANY
Ill
A
0--..,_,,
, ~
1
f
I.
I
IT IS."
IN
THE
MEANTIME
THE BURGLAR?
GET A CLUE.
WAY
WE
THE
BEFORE
,1
i !I t
HOPE OF APPREHENDING
1·
~
~ - =--:
l<<::'_.-.;,__~~_3?~
THERE'S
, ,/
YE'D BETTER LEAVE EVERYTHING
BE A WEEK
DO YOU THINK
~\
MAY
The victim:
-)
f
/f,~ ( ~ \\~
,;i, 1Ur
r
11
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01::t..
TEN"
TI-l..ER.E..,.S
EVERYT:Et.IN"G
DAYS
ANY
BEFORE
I~IOPE
~
T:tIE
OF
WE
G.ET
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
“Safety First on Your Trip to California”
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Henrietta [Heacock?], (compiler)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1916 June
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
A2022.0007c
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
-
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
-
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513
-
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Send me a postcard! Women on the road across 19th-20th century America
Subject
The topic of the resource
Exhibit
Description
An account of the resource
Summer 2022 exhibit
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Samantha Dodd
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2022
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
[Collection of automobile postcards]
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
Ag2021.1513